fear

My previous post discussed punishment and domestic discipline and asked questions of when this might be regarded as abuse.

A very interesting discussion followed - and thank you again to all who contributed. Sweet girl contributed the interesting suggestion that the difference between dd punishment and abuse was fear.

But can fear have a role in D/s? Certainly a sense of heightened anticipation can add greatly to a BDSM scene. Perhaps this can amount to genuine fear in certain circumstances. After some discussion of this Sweet girl made it clear that she meant fear of the person rather than fear of the act. I agreed with this. Surely BDSM is built on trust - and can one trust someone who one fears?

But others may feel that even fear of the person might be part of a scene.

Have you been frightened in a scene? Have you been frightened by a Dom? Are they experiences you might wish to repeat?

punishment and domestic discipline

Yes - I know I said I wasn't going to write any more about punishment. I got tempted!!!

I was wondering about punishment and domestic discipline. Presumably in a domestic discipline relationship the sub should not enjoy the punishment - otherwise it would not help enforce the discipline. Some subs from relationships that they would not describe as domestic discipline have made similar points in comments on earlier posts.

But if the punishment is of a physical nature and the sub dislikes it - then is that getting close to abuse? yes - I know consent has been given as part of a relationship freely entered into. However there are relationships that clearly are abusive where the person abused does not remove herself from the relationship that she has freely entered into.

Intuitively I think we can all sense the difference. However I am still finding it hard to articulate the difference clearly and precisely.

a gift

Is submission a gift?

I have often described it such - as a precious gift from a sub to a Dom. Something that when given deserves care, respect and loyalty in return at the very least.

However this was recently questioned on another site. The writer - a sub herself - questioned why it should be described in this way. She wondered why was domination not a gift? She did not describe other attributes and skills in a vanilla relationship in this way. So why was submission a gift?

I still think it is but it has left me confused!

punishment, D/s and BDSM

Forgive another (final?) post on this topic.

I do use "punishment" as part of a D/s relationship. However it is not with the intention of punishing as such. It is because I want to! There is something of the sadist in me. So it would really be part of BDSM play rather than a serious approach to training. I still believe that praise is more effective for that. Though punishment can be fun.

However I want it to be fun for both of us. Though perhaps then it is no longer punishment.

I recognise that punishment forms part of the D/s dynamic and may even help a sub to feel more controlled and submissive. I think that is its justifiable purpose in D/s rather than as a means of control. A true Dom would have no need of punishment in a trusting and loving D/s relationship to maintain control. However it could be fun!

So perhaps my use of punishment is much more related to my BDSM interests than the need to use it to enforce my dominance. I feel no such need.

Though I have twice felt a strong desire to punish a sub severely and painfully. Both occasions were at a time of break up. Each time I felt I had been badly treated and let down. It made me angry. On the most recent case I have even fantasised about beating the said sub. However if she came to me now to make up I would feel no real need to beat her. The anger has passed and in any case a Dom should not discipline a sub when angry.

Does any of this hang together? I guess I'm just a crazy mixed up Dom!

praise

I have been offering some mentorship to a sub friends. She had recently come out of a long term relationship and was missing her submission. So I have been providing her with some support and tasks to help her maintain and develop her submissive feelings until she feels ready for a new relationship.

As I am not her Master - and also I suppose because I am standing back a little - I have not felt it appropriate to "punish" her. Instead I have used lots of praise for when she has done well - which is most of the time as she is committed and trying very hard.

So she has had lots of praise and encouragement as a sub and no punishment ...

... and she is doing very, very well. She is blossoming into her submission and feels that herself as well as it being my perception.

So I have a couple of questions.

1. Is it possible to have a D/s relationship where training relies totally on praise?

and

2. Am I misleading her by providing a regime that may be very different from a more punishment based one with a future Dom?

punishment

I have written a number of times before about punishment. However Uncle Agony recently received an email on this topic and I have published it here. Do please add your own comments.

It was a coincidence as I had planned to write a post about praise instead of punishment within D/s. I will publish it in a couple of days.

waxing

Subs - do you wax? Do you like to be smooth for your Master?

Dom's - do you like your sub to be smooth?

Is it an issue for you?

What if it was something that was particularly special. An issue for you. What if it was an issue for you both? What if it was a major issue for one of you one way - but equally so for the other in the opposite direction.

Is it always the Dom's call? How should it be resolved?

star has this as a real problem and has written to Uncle Agony here.

Do let her know what you think.

road block

Trance has written to Uncle Agony.

She is in a relationship where they are both new to D/s and keen to move forward. However they have hit an early road block. How do they get past it? If you think you may be able to help then please do comment here.

the role of submission in shamelessness

On a comment to an earlier post "submission and sex", Remittance Girl wrote ...

"I'm about to say something that will probably be considered very politically incorrect. I've come to believe that, for a great many women who take on the roll of submissives, submission is, ironically, a liberation that allows them to be sexual beings in a way they find more difficult in a vanilla situation. It becomes a very sexualized transition for them - even if it doesn't specifically involve sexual acts.

We live in a very strange time. Ostensibly, society encourages women to be equals, play the part of sexual aggressor, be proud of their sexual appetites, etc. But we are labouring under the weight of history - and our culture is steeped in a much older Judeo-Christian aesthetic that has, for 4000 years, drilled into the very fabric of our language that women with sexual appetites are bad, dangerous, evil, immoral.

And traditional feminism would have us believe that in the space of 40 years, all that earlier cultural conditioning can be negated with the click of the fingers. It's just not realistic.

Being submissive allows women to be hypersexual beings - to admit, explore and express that hunger - with 'permission'. This relieves them of the burden of being responsible because it is the Dom who acts as authority. And he, in essence, takes responsibility for when and how she gets to be sexual. But within that boundary, she usually gets to be very sexual indeed.

That's why I've argued very strongly that deciding to be a submissive is an intrinsically feministic act. It allows women to be who they want to be, without doubt or the subconscious guilt born of thousands of years of conditioning.

I do think, for most submissive women, sex is a pretty major part of being submissive. Even if that sexuality is not always explicit."

I am interested in her comments about being "politically incorrect" and on "feminism". I may come back to those issues in another post. However here I would like to discuss her view that being submissive frees their sexuality from restraints and gives them permission to be shameless. Because a submissive is no longer in control of her own actions - having given that responsibility to their Dom - they no longer have responsibility for them. In this way all guilt and social conditioning is removed. In its place is developed a new sexualised conditioning implicitly agreed with the Dom.

Many commenters to my previous post "shameless" also wrote of how their submisive relationship helped them to become "shameless". Sophia Anne wrote about "finding my sexual freedom in slavery" which led her to becoming more and more debauched and a libertine.

So does the argument hold water? Does the very act of submission help remove sexual inhibitions? Does submission make one shameless?

shameless

So powerful to feel totally shameless.

Though I wonder how much society can make some feel shame is aspects of their behaviour. A sub friend I know once felt some shame in her promiscuity and also in her submissive desires. I was so pleased with her when she wrote on her blog that our time together had helped her cast aside her feelings of shame.

Can you do that? Be strong and proud and cast aside your shame?

Are you shameless?

macho Doms

Perhaps the title I gave to this blog (A Kind Dom) was a reaction to any assumption that Doms needed to be macho. Yes a Dom needs to be confident and at times assertive. Perhaps that is "macho". But I have heard sub friends talk of of Doms who feel the need to express their machismo to the extent of not really being interested in the response of their subs.

It can come across often as posturing. As if the Dom feels the need to present themselves in a dominating role. Many of you may have seen this kind of thing - and it is an image that seems to present itself often.

However if a Dom has the character to lead and support and offer control to a sub does he need the machismo posturing - or does that come from those who would pretend to be Dom?

displays of submisson

I have been interested that many subs enjoy having a physical display of their submission. The wearing of a collar is a very popular example of this and I know many subs find wearing a collar very powerful.

Others take if even further into marking of their body. Many enjoy the marking that can come from a beating and enjoy it when these marks last for a while. Perhaps that too helps maintain the memory of a special time. Though I am really thinking here of examples such as tattoos. There are those who have a slave registration number or bar-code tattooed on their body. Clearly this emphasises their total commitment to their role.

Though perhaps in that case Doms should also do something similar!

Physical manifestations can be a powerful reminder and I have occasionally used items such as jewellery, chains etc in this way with a sub.

I wonder though if many Doms wear anything as a reminder of their dominance and commitment and whether that is as powerful a reminder for them.

holiday reading

I'm back! Yes thank you to the commenters on my previous post. My break was a little rest and relaxation and it was very enjoyable. I read a very popular thriller while I was away. It had me gripped - it was well written and exciting and I liked the characterisation. However there was one aspect that troubled me. Sadistic violence and abuse of women was part of at least three separate threads in the story. Each of the evil and violent men had their comeuppance as was dealt with severely. So the moral was that such behaviour was evil. However given that this was used gratuitously in the novel I felt there was a hypocritical approach in almost using it as titillation to draw in the reader. It had the opposite effect on me when I read one such event and I really felt for the woman concerned - who I had begun to like a lot in the novel. Perhaps also I did not like the fact that some things used in a consensual bdsm context were described here used in such a seriously abusive way. At the end of the book there was a short extract from the follow up book in the series. What did it contain? Yet another scene of violence on my favourite woman in the book! This just reinforced to me that the violence against women was being used in a gratuitous and titillating way and turned me off wanting to buy the next book. Before that I had wanted to because most of the book was about journalistic research, finance and computer hacking in a thrilling way and described some interesting characters and relationships. I also fell in love. No - not for real but with one of the women in the novel! Perhaps it was that mixture of intelligence, strength and vulnerability. Or perhaps it was that she reminded me strongly of someone with whom I was once very close. In most ways they are totally different - but there were some qualities that I felt were very alike. So when I found her bound and prepared for torture in the excerpt from the next book - I wanted to do serious violence to the author for putting her in such a situation again!!!!!

Pause

I shall be away all of next week. However I will be thinking of something to post on my return!

Back soon.

P xx

submision and sex

I have written before that for me BDSM is intimately connected with sensuality. But what about sex?

There is no direct connection between D/s and sex or BDSM and sex. For many, D/s is separate from sex and a BDSM scene may have no sexual content. Indeed many professional Dominatrices and submissives specifically exclude sexual contact from their services.

I do not have to have sexual contact as part of a scene - however I do like it. The submission of a woman to me has a erotic charge. It has often happened when I have read an email from a woman submitting to me where they have written nothing salacious - yet I have found myself become physically aroused. So yes, for me there is a direct connection between D/s and sex.

How is it for you? Do other Doms become aroused by someone submitting to them? And what about subs? Do you become aroused by another dominating you?