an award!!!!!!

Monkey has very kindly nominated me (and Beau!) for a Liebster award. Now I'm not sure exactly what a Liebster award is but it was very good of her. She has written some very kind words about this blog and my other blog written as Beau here.

In fact she says she prefers the blog I write as Beau. That is very encouraging as I was planning to try to get it going again. I have a few posts ready to upload there so do pop in now and again.

I'm afraid I'm not very food at all teh question and answer part of these awards so I'll leave that to Beau.

Again monkey - thank you very much and good luck on your journey.

more about tears ...

LizLeia just published a kind comment on my previous post about "tears" here.

She discovered the post while researching why men find tears a sign of weakness and found it refreshing that Doms could talk of weeping and showing emotion openly. So she has presented us with the following question:

"A question to Pygar and the other Doms: what does your sub do that allows you to feel so free to express this? Question for the subs: How do you feel when your Dom cries in front of you? Thanks!"

 I will be interested to read the answers too!

at the moment ...

... I'm still in the middle of major changes to my life.

So forgive me if I am not here often. I have only occasional internet access while I am in transition. I will respond to recent comments as soon as I can. Thank you for them.

In the meantime you might be interested in this email which I recently received from The Institute of Arts and Ideas.

Dear Pygar,

I think you might be interested in a new video that's just been released, Venus in Furs. It's a discussion of BDSM relationships and pornography, and looking at some of the moral and cultural concerns that some people have with them. It's a pretty interesting and frank discussion, so I hope you enjoy it, and consider sharing a link with your readers.

Thanks very much,
Dominic Preston

It is basically a video of a very interesting discussion about bdsm and sexuality. It considers many of the ethical issues that we have discussed here and others. I hope you might find it interesting. Do let me know what you think.

Venus in Furs

changes ...

There are some major upheavals in my life at the moment. No doubt the fall-out may last some time. However in time I hope it will all be for the good - for everyone involved.

No doubt I will be blogging about it here soon!

Wish me luck.

within and without

When I know she is fully committed and is feeling secure in our relationship then I can order her to do anything, control her totally, dismiss her complaints as mere whining and berate her for her behaviour. It is what she needs.

However when she is doubting, genuinely needing more than I can give and expresses this - then at times she still may need berating and controlling - just be told how it has to be. However, I find that harder to balance. If she is not totally happy in giving herself to me then I cannot use her.

There is a danger then of a downward spiral where I am not giving her what she needs, so she doubts more so then I am even less able to meet her needs.

We need to build on an upward spiral again.

I wonder if other couples go through such times?

a comment on self harm and BDSM

I wrote about this below and had some very interesting and informative replies. Many of them were from personal experience.

melinda Sweetgirl has just commented on the post. For those of you who may have missed it - I think it deserves a read. You can find it here.

tears

Maryann Lovejoy suggested spanking a partner to tears in a comment to a post on Uncle Agony. (Do read the full comment in context here.)

I remember writing a story about this for a friend a long time ago. (I must hunt it out.) She had often said she wanted to be spanked to tears. She had so much grief and distress welling up inside her but could not let it out. She could only cry for others but not for herself.

So she wanted to be spanked or beaten until she cried.

I am not sure I would have been strong enough. I know I did not try. Though in the end I brought her to tears through kindness instead.

I am lucky in having a woman now who is mine. I can do what I want with her. I can spank her and beat her as hard as I want. I am not sure though that I could spank her to tears. She is very strong. I am not sure what purpose spanking her to tears would serve and I feel it could be cruelty. I will discuss it with her.

I know for some that tears can be a great catharsis. They can help one feel better and move on.

I have cried in front of my submissive woman but I am not sure she has cried in front of me.

It can be a strength to cry.

To be happy to shed tears in front of another can show trust and be a sign of ones closeness.

Do you cry? For some it is too easy, for others too hard. Have you been beaten to tears? Would you like to be?

Or ... do you beat your sub to tears? How do you both feel about that?

wild cat at Uncle Agony

I received an email recently from wild cat for inclusion on the Uncle Agony blog. It is an interesting question as it combines together a few different issues that others have raised. I hope you might have time to have a look and add a comment.

You will find the email and my response here.

new to all this

Since starting this blog I occasionally get emails from readers asking me for advice. That is very flattering and I always try to reply honestly and supportively. However I know that I am not the font of all knowledge - especially in this area. That is why I set up the Uncle Agony blog. It was a place where with agreement with the writer - I could share emails so that others could offer their perspective and advice.

I have noticed though that a number of emails have been from female subs new to this world. They often have little knowledge and sometimes false preconceptions of what their role should be and of what they should expect from a dominant partner. Many seem to feel that they have given up rights and that they should accept anything that a dominant demands. They worry that if things go wrong it must be their own fault as they are inexperienced and less knowledgeable.

I worry that many new subs are in a vulnerable position and place themselves in situations where manipulative or ignorant Doms can abuse them.

This may not even be with people new to this life. A sub friend who had been abandoned by her Dom after many years discovered that her preconceptions were wrong when she met with new Doms and that she had been misled and used badly by her Dom during that time. Another, partly from reading this blog, realised she was being abused rather than in a true D/s relationship and got divorced.

The purpose of this blog was to investigate ethical issues relating to D/s - partly to help me formulate my own thoughts and to investigate potential contradictions. It saddens me though that there are those who may be being manipulated and abused by unscrupulous people who misuse power over those who trust them.

self harm and BDSM

I discovered recently that someone who was once very close to me has started cutting herself. I had suspected for some time that she might have been considering this and had worried about it. I know she would not welcome any contact from me so I feel helpless in being unable to offer her support. In any case I do not know what that support could be other than friendship and kindness which she has already rejected.

I have always been very squeamish and find blood or even the thought of cutting skin very upsetting and off-putting. I find it hard to read positive statements from those who self harm about the beauty and satisfaction of the blood following the knife.

It made me reflect too on the fact that there are many in the BDSM world who enjoy knife play and blood and playing with needles. I wondered how this differed from self harm if the power was given to someone else to do the cutting and piercing. Is the desire for it the same as in self harm or is the BDSM context totally different, meeting very different needs?

switching

Katastrophe asked in a comment here about switching - where one may move between sub and Dom roles in a relationship or between relationships.

For some it can enhance a relationship - twice the fun! I suppose too that if one can take both roles then one can appreciate better what it is like for the other and empathise with ones partner. While I think that empathy is good and that a Dom should try to have a good understanding of what it is like for their partner I'm afraid I find the idea of submission for myself very difficult. Perhaps I do not have the courage!

I know some who have different roles with different partners. Two women I know will sub to men but will only act in a dominant role with other women.

Do readers have direct eperience of switching? What is it like for you?

return

I wanted to celebrate someone very special to me but then thought it might not sit so well on the "Kind Dom" site so I have published it on my Beau blog here.

indifference

J wrote to me saying her new Dom appeared indifferent towards her. The full exchange is here on the Uncle Agony blog.

Please add comments there if you have thoughts or can offer support.

acceptance

In a comment below Word  said that "Trust, understanding and acceptance" were key issues for her. I have written about trust many times I am sure as I agree it is so important. I agree too that understanding is important and like trust it may take some time to grow.

I had not thought though about acceptance.

It is a submissive act I suppose. Or rather than a submissive act, perhaps it is part of the whole nature of submission. Does submission imply acceptance? An acceptance that someone else has control, will make the decisions and do to you whatever he wishes. As such is it just an essential part of submission or is it something else alongside it? Something for a submissive person to strive to achieve?

I can imagine that notion of acceptance being something difficult to strive for but perhaps very worthwhile and fulfilling when achieved.

Do readers have their own experience and knowledge of acceptance? Is it something different from what I have described?

coming soon ...

No - I said "coming" not "cuming". I don't know - the minds of some of my readers!

Just to say thanks to those who contributed suggestions to the post below. It has given me a couple of ideas for new posts. Also I have had another query for Uncle Agony so that will also get some attention soon. However I plan to be away again for just over a week - but promise lots of new thoughts on my return.