a fresh start ...

If you read Graham's query to Uncle Agony here about whether an online relationship can work ... well, there have been developments!

You can read all about it here.

self-image

I have been thinking about self-image in the context of bdsm and D/s.

It relates perhaps to strength. I have written often before that I believe a submissive needs to be strong rather than weak. Submissiveness in a bdsm context is not the sign of weakness it may appear to be in other contexts.

I wonder how moving into the world of bdsm may affect people's self-image. If my thoughts are correct then it should have a positive effect. To be able to control another person and have them submit to your will surely helps give a feeling of self confidence which then enhances the ability to be controlling. Similarly the ability to submit and accept difficult challenges presented by one's partner should also enhance ones self confidence. The praise that may often accompany this - "good girl", for instance - will also enhance this feeling.

So if being part of the bdsm world can enhance one's self-image then may people delve into bdsm with this in mind? Are there those will low self esteem who seek out bdsm experience with the aim of improving their self-esteem? Would you advise someone with low self-esteem to try out bdsm or might that be dangerous advice?

unfaithful - 3. Is polyamory a solution?

In the comments to the first post in this series, Unfaithful, His slut wrote,
I read something that has always stuck with me. One person cannot fulfill all the needs of their mate. How true it is? I'm not sure. I think in order to understand it does take a lot of communication.

If His slut is right and one person cannot fulfill all those needs then perhaps polyamory is what is needed. As Anonymous says in a comment to the same post,
I also think that partners may seek out other relationships for a variety of reasons. It may not always be sexual but often times, our roles in society are so defined that we find ourselves gravitating towards the old standby, when in actuality it could be the connection, joy, release or energy we enjoy from another.
In which case the needs His slut describes are not just about sex or bdsm issues but are much more wide ranging.

So can it be made to work? Does it need to be made to work? Is it even more the case in a fetish or bdsm or D/s context where the desires and needs might be broader or more specialist or just more unusual. Might some of them be much more difficult to be met by one person?

So do you have one person who can meet all your needs or do you hanker for another to help fulfill them or perhaps you already make a poly situation work well for you?

unfaithful - 2

While I was back in the UK during December I started corresponding with a submissive American woman who lived in Shanghai. She was happily married with two kids, except ...

Well, you probably know the story, she was submissive but her husband wasn't dominant. He was unable to meet her submissive and possibly masochistic needs. She'd had a relationship with a European, dominant, married man who was also working in Shanghai. It had worked well and met both their needs, apparently without any strong feelings of guilt. However, he had been sent elsewhere by his business. A meet up with another Dom had not gone well.

On my return to Shanghai Inès encouraged me to meet her. I hoped it might be possible to develop a friendship and possible relationship involving the three of us. So we met and it went great. There was an obvious attraction and eagerness to take it further. Some online play ensued while we tried to set up further meetings. Then she had a major family crisis that involved her returning to the US and I have heard little from her since.

I tell this story though as an example of something I have heard from many online submissive female friends. I am sure it will also have been covered in Uncle Agony. I know of many submissive women whose husbands have been unable to meet their needs. This has often been after they have discussed the issues and the husbands have sometimes tried to be the dominant their wives crave but have found themselves unable to carry it off successfully. Some of those subs have gained some solace in online play and others through real meet ups or relationships - through being unfaithful.

I wonder what readers think of this. Is it better for a woman to have a secret relationship to keep their marriage going? Alternatively should they break up with all the additional hurt and damage if they have children? Or should they just put up with it? Perhaps some of you are in this situation and have found your own solution? Do share your thoughts and experiences.

Unfaithful

I had a very friendly comment recently from Ruby Little and followed the links to her blog Bound by Him. There I found a very moving post titled Unfaithful. I do hope some of the issues are resolving themselves for Ruby.

Reading it stimulated a number of thoughts. Firstly I was struck by the fact that Ruby felt guilty that her husband had been cheating on her. It was as if in some way she felt it was her fault, that she had not given him enough so he had to look elsewhere. Though clearly she is also hurt and angry because the trust and mutual respect so essential in a D/s relationship have been destroyed. I wondered if this was a common response in such circumstances - to reflect the guilt back on oneself?

I started to wonder again about the nature of monogamous relationships and wondered if in the pressures of today's society that such exclusivity is almost bound to give rise to such problems. I know it did for me in a previous relationship when I was the guilty party. My current relationship with Inès is an open relationship though we have not pushed this aspect hard. I hope that as long as we each know when the other has desires and needs that they want to be met elsewhere then if we are open about it then such encounters can be accommodated by our relationship. As long as we are open and honest then the trust and respect is maintained. Moving towards this in a conventional marriage is very hard. I wonder though in starting new relationships whether that is something that could be discussed and agreed from the start and whether that would allow un all to be happier with fewer break ups.

I think also that when a partner does go elsewhere for sex it is not necessarily because sex with the current partner is unsatisfactory. It can be that perhaps we are led into looking for variety and change. Perhaps if that is accepted it can help sustain a relationship.

Or then again I may just be talking nonsense! What do others think?

Can online ever be a substitute for a face to face relationship?

I am sure I have written about online D/s and bdsm relationships before. I have had some very intense, real and lasting online relationships that have been very powerful and have stirred strong emotions.

So I was interested in an email while I was away from a reader who had fallen in love and wanted a real D/s relationship. However his girl was married and was only prepared to accept an online relationship. Could it be made to work?

I have reprinted his email (with permission) onto the Uncle Agony blog. You can read it here.

You can also read my very unsatisfactory response. It was written very hurriedly. If you can come up with further thoughts that would be great.

Home from Shaghai

Hello!

 Yes, I'm back home. However I am up to my neck with moving into a new apartment, having relatives staying from abroad, helping Inès sorting out her apartment, getting used to being back in the UK, catching up on lots of creative and business ventures, getting in touch with old friends and ...

 well you know.

 So I am sorry if you are feeling neglected. There are a couple of people who I have promised to write about on here an Uncle Agony so a special apology to them. I do plan to be writing regularly here again soon so please watch this space and let everyone know that I am back!

BDSM 101

If you would like to have a go at this perhaps you might like to copy it into the comments section or onto your own blog. I would be very pleased to have responses emailed to me (at beaudejournee@yahoo.co.uk please.) I will try to reply to any that I receive (with assessment and grading of course!)

Good luck

BDSM 101

End of Semester examination paper

Answer all questions

Time allowed: 90 minutes

Section A

1. RACK or SSC?
a) What do these acronyms mean? Explain in detail.
b) Why are they important?
c) What are the advantages and disadvantages, strengths and weaknesses of each?
d) Which do you adhere to? Justify your decision.

2. Trust is key to any BDSM relationship. Give an example from your own experience of where trust has broken down and describe the consequences.

3. Overheard at a munch. "In the end it is all about sex isn't it?" What do you think he meant? Was he right?

4. Sarah and James were in a close BDSM relationship for 5 years. Sarah suffered from bipolar disorder which was mostly controlled through medication. Before meeting James, Sarah used to self-harm, often through cutting herself. Whilst in the BDSM relationship with James she no longer felt a need to do this. Their BDSM play was somewhat extreme. It involved needle play, stress bondage positions and heavy beatings including use of a whip. Eventually the relationship broke down. Some months later Sarah went to a police station with her lawyer. She claimed she had been restrained, whipped and beaten by James and although she acquiesced at the time, that because of her mental condition she was unable to give informed consent. She showed photographs of scars on her back and breasts. How should the police respond?

Section B

1. Write a haiku about pain.

2. Complete this paragraph, "I am a submissive/switch/dominant (delete as appropriate) because ... The final paragraph should contain EXACTLY 100 words.

3. Write a short story or poem that illustrates the sensuality of submission.

Festive Reading

If the festivities all get too much for you ...

... then why not find a quiet corner and browse through some of the "Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2014".

There are many that I know but also lots that I don't. It looks like fun reading.

Festive Greetings

Wishing all of my readers the compliments of the season. I hope you find some peace and tranquility as well as lots of fun. Beau has posted slightly more scurrilous festive greetings here.

I will not have time to write much more before I return to Shanghai straight after Christmas.

I have however drafted and scheduled one more post. It is in the way of being a New Years quiz which many UK newspapers often set at this time of year. However I have done it in the style of a college examination paper. It is intended as a bit of fun but has a serious element to it. If you would like to have a go then you could write your response in the comments or on your own blog if you have one. If you would prefer to email it then send it direct to me at beaudejournee@yahoo.co.uk (my gmail accounts work less well in China but should now divert to the yahoo account anyway.)

I have scheduled the post to appear on New Years Eve.

If you write your response on your blog I would be very grateful if you were able to send me a copy as Blogger and Wordpress are difficult to access in China.

Good luck

Pygar/Beau

back from Shanghai

Not had time to discover much of kink in Shanghai though I am sure it exists. There is a group on Fetlife. I haven't mastered the software yet though to get through the new Great Wall of China - of Internet control and censorship.

Since I got home I have exchanged a few online words with some Shanghai kinksters so maybe I will get up to some more fun there soon. I also started a discussion with a Shanghai blogger. Do check out her very interesting blog Consensual Roughness with lots of good discussions. (You can find the discussion section by clicking on Rough House.) I think you might like it ...

being really scared

Bitch recently commented as anonymous on a previous post scared.

I was interested to reread the previous comments on this post. It was quite fascinating. The notion of fear within the bdsm dynamic could possibly be quite central. I don't want Inès to fear me but by coincidence I found myself a few days ago fantasising about causing fear to a sub.

Bitch also brought into the discussion the issue of being strong but wanting to totally let go into submission.

I may post her question soon on Uncle Agony.

some sad news

I am sorry to start my first post on my return from Shanghai with some sad news

An online friend wrote to me a few weeks ago to let me know that David who wrote the blog DSinVegas - A View From The Top had sadly passed away. I did not know David well but we had corresponded a few times over the years.

I know of others who have disappeared from the internet and close online friends have never go to know what was the reason. So if you think you have readers of your own blog who may have known David perhaps you might pass on the sad news.

Thank you.

Tomorrow ...

... I catch the plane to Shanghai via Istanbul.

I am not sure how easy access to Blogger is from there or how much time I will have for posting. So I may be saying cheerio until the end of November. Do pop in occasionally though in case I have found an opportunity to post.

I had planned a special post to keep you thoughtful and active while I am away but I'm afraid that preparations and other complications have not left me time. Who knows though - perhaps I will write it in Shanghai. I think you will find it interesting.

If you are in Shanghai - then drop me a line.

Have fun while I am away.

P xx

fetish

Hey - I'm not in Shaghai yet, but I am going to Hamburg for a week. While I'm away any thoughts on the topic of 'fetish'?

BDSM seems inextricably linked with domination and submission. How though does fetish link in to this? Some fetishes - like a foot fetish for instance - seem to have little directly to do with D/s. However feet kissing for instance could be seen as a very submissive act.

Is is sometimes to do with the sensuality of things like leather, latex, rope, chains that are often used in a BDSM scenario?

Is fetish part of your relationship? Is it intrinsically linked to the dominant/submissive or BDSM nature of your relationship or is it totally separate?