playing a role...

I had a very interesting email from a reader a little while ago. She had been exploring online, discussing with Doms, enjoying a little online play and banter and discovering what she found comfortable, what was enjoyable and what turned her on.

She likes to have a mutually respectful and polite relationship with her online Dom friends. However she has discovered to her dismay that as soon as it turns into online play that their manner changes. From being polite and courteous they suddenly become quite debasing in their language and  demands. She wonders whether this harsher tone is necessary and whether all Doms resort to it to enforce their dominance. She clearly found it a turn-off.

She asked me whether it was possible for a Dom to maintain an element of his respectful views of a sub (women in particular) during role play, in spite of the power exchange. I think it is. Though I recognise many Doms may use this change in language and apparent attitude as a shorthand for exerting their dominance rather than building on the relationship they have started.

I wonder what others think. Is it necessary to use harsh and demeaning language - or can a kind Dom find more expressive ways of exerting his dominance?

loss - bdsm break ups

Breaking up in any relationship can be very hard.

Is a break-up in a BDSM relationship more intense than other relationship break-ups?

I was talking with a friend a little while ago who had recently split from her partner. She was taking it very hard and finding it very difficult to get over. This was despite it being almost on the cards from the very start as her partner had a very volatile temperament.

It was though a BDSM relationship. My friend was the sub. So she had given her love as in any vanilla relationship. However she had opened herself totally in her submission, physically, emotionally and psychologically. Her partner knew her so intimately; owned her body and soul almost. Now she was gone...

Perhaps that can be the same in a vanilla relationship but I wondered if the nature of a BDSM relationship further heightened the feelings of distress and despair.

Do readers have a view on this, perhaps from their own personal experience?

New Year Resolutions...

Happy New Year everyone. Wishing you all a delightfully happy and kinky 2018.

Have you made any New Year resolutions? No I don't mean the boring ones like do more exercise, giving up smoking again and being much tidier. I am thinking of ones more on the kinky side. Are you going to find more interesting and imaginative ways of pleasing your Master? Are you going to search for even more inventive ways of tormenting your masochistic submissive? Or perhaps you have yet more interesting - or even mundane- BDSM related New Years resolutions to share.

I keep commenting to Inès that she really needs a spanking - usually when she has teased me at a time when she knows I am too tired or too busy to do so. I tell her she will get one later but of course she always "forgets" to remind me. This year I shall remind myself and she may get a few more of those deserved spankings! In fact I want to put much more time aside for that part of our life. We have both been busy with other stresses and commitments this last year which have got in the way of us making time for ourselves and kinky pleasures. So this year my resolution is to make much more time for deviant fun - and perhaps to try to attend a few events.

Berlin again...

I'm back from a great weekend in Berlin to a cold house! My central heating boiler has broken down. Fortunately it looks as if I can have a new one fitted before Christmas which is good as the firm I use close down on Friday until the New Year. The heating engineer is working on it as I write.

I was so cold when I got back yesterday and slept very poorly because the bed was so cold. Yes I know there are other ways to keep warm in bed but Inès is still in Berlin and there was nobody else available! I should have written on here immediately for volunteers!!!

I am fortunate that I have some wood burning stoves but they don't heat the water so I will be very smelly soon.

There was an international munch in Berlin on Friday evening that I thought we might get to. We went last year and met some really interesting people. However by the time I arrived and got settled and we'd had our first gluhwein and something to eat it was rather late to head across town. So we didn't make it this year. There are always lots of BDSM events in Berlin and places for debauched fun. Anonymous mentioned the KitKat club in a comment to an earlier post. This year though we didn't get to any of them. We mostly had lots of vanilla fun visiting the Christmas markets and soaking up the Berlin atmosphere.

We did meet up with Heidi of Pique Lingerie again. No - not for play, just to chat and hang out. She introduced us to a great cafe restaurant that we would never have found on our own and had lots of fun catching up and chatting and drinking tea and eating some lovely food. All very vanilla but great fun. Thank you Heidi. Though next time we have a possible photo-shoot planned with some very imaginative ideas. So watch this space.

I may not post again before Christmas so I would like to wish all my readers the very best wishes for the festive season and a very happy and peaceful New Year. Thank you especially to those of you who have taken the time to comment and join in our discussions during the year. May all the most salacious and depraved of your wishes come true - and may Father Christmas bring you the sex toy of your dreams... !

:)

P xxxx

restrained

Inès is on a train somewhere in Germany. She set off from the North of England very early this morning by train and if all goes well should arrive in Hamburg late tonight. I got a text early this afternoon to say she was travelling through Liège in Belgium.

I was so pleased as I was worried she might not even get as far as London. We have had snow and freezing temperatures in the last few days and English trains don't seem to like the cold - leading to frequent cancellations during inclement weather. There is a famous occasion when trains were cancelled in autumn ('fall' for our American cousins) because of "leaves on the line".

It is great though to travel by train. You have some idea of the distance you are travelling rather than when flying - which is just 'magic'.

Inès was bemoaning the fact she was stuck in a train seat for so long. It is good for her to be restrained and controlled like that. It makes her stop and reflect. I should tie her up more. I think I may message a friend in Berlin to see if she can arrange some restraint and control for Inès when she arrives there. I am sure the friend will have contacts!

I'm planning to meet up with Inès in Berlin at the end of the week for the Christmas markets and festive fun. Some fetish fun would be good too. We'll have to see!

Do you or your partner need that too - to be made to stop for a while from your mad, manic life, to pause and reflect? Is bondage and domination the perfect answer???

rubber and latex...

I'm not a fan of rubber and latex as a sensory feel, unlike leather or silk, it doesn't have the same sensory appeal to me. However I do like the look it gives of someone totally encased in a way that can be very flattering to their body. (Though the models of course tend to all have very attractive bodies in the first place!) To me the restriction and encasement has a direct link with bondage and bdsm.

I came across Reflective Desire via Twitter, I think. There is lots of free stuff but if you find you like it then of course do feel free to support them. (I have no affiliate link.) The free videos on there may provide an interesting introduction.

Are there different textures, fabrics, sensations that turn you on? Heavy leather, delicate silks? Can fabric or clothing turn you on? Even what has become street wear with high heels, tight skirts and dresses, might almost mirror the effect. So what fabric or clothing turns you on? Both to wear and to see.

Happy Thanksgiving

Wishing a Happy Thanksgiving to all my American readers.

Le Déjeuner sur l'Herbe

Do you know this painting by Edouard Manet? You can see it here. It is a painting of  two fully clothed men at a picnic with a naked woman. There is another partially clothed woman in the background.

There Is a photo I like of Man Ray and Paul Eluard with one of my favourite photographers Lee Miller and two other women. You can see it here. Miller herself also took a photo of the scene which you can see here. The men are fully clothed and the women all topless.

There is an interesting eroticism in the notion of clothed men accompanied by naked women. To me it implies a level of D/s control and has an erotic charge of the women appearing to be making themselves available to the men - or having been made available for them.

I imagine it would work also the other way round with clothed women and naked men where the power balance would be the opposite.

Inès works as an artists' model and so is regularly naked in a room full of clothed people. Usually the groups are mixed but often can be men only or can be one-to-one sessions with a man. The eroticism of this situation is carefully avoided, it is supposed to be art, a professional relationship, but I find it hard to believe there is not an undercurrent of eroticism.

Next weekend Inès and I were hoping to go to an event where the men would all be dressed smartly in suits and the women all naked. I think because of work commitments it may not be possible. This is the second year running we have tried to get along but things have got in the way. We are both disappointed, perhaps especially Inès. As well as the power dynamic she also gets off on the exhibitionism.

Have others been involved in this kind of scene? Do you enjoy the power dynamic of clothed/unclothed? Do you like to be an exhibitionist or do you like to be the voyeur?

Dominance - being weak to be strong

There are a lot of pressures on Doms to remain strong. That is their role. Their subs expect it. That is why many have given their submission to another - for them to be strong and control and care for them.

But there are times when we all need some down-time. For a Dom that may be to be weak for a while; to let go and not be all-powerful; to just relax themselves and let go of the responsibility. "Responsibility" puts on so much pressure. In the end we all need a break from it. There are many who have responsible real life jobs who love to spend time as a submissive with a dominant just to be able to let go. So if someone close to you relies on you to be dominant then where do you go? What do you do when pressures build up? How do you respond?

A friend recently wrote to me that she remembered her Domme saying to her, "that she could never do a 24 hour play relationship because she needs to be able to be weak sometimes in order to be the strong dominant I know."

This was at a time when we were both feeling lots of pressure and stress. She continued, "And I feel totally weak because all the stress from the last weeks is catching up with me. But I realize I need this so that I can go on later." Then recommended that I take a break too.

It is the same for all of us - whether dominant or submissive. We sometimes need a break from stress. BDSM can sometimes be that break - to take us totally out of our day to day worries. However if we are over-stressed then it might be difficult to maintain that dominant demeanour.

So subs, if your dominant needs a break, remember the very wise words of my friend about her dominant, "she needs to be able to be weak sometimes in order to be the strong dominant I know."

keeping on keeping on...

I recently received some very kind and complimentary words about this blog from a commenter here.

They concluded, "Thank you, Pygar, for writing such thoughtful posts and creating a great space on the web for us to ponder these issues."

The post helped motivate me to continue writing the blog. It is difficult sometimes finding the time in a busy life. The popularity of the blog has varied over the years and has lost a considerable number of regular readers since my year's hiatus while I was in China. There is also the problem of coming up with new, relevant and interesting topics for discussion after so many years.

However it is always good to be reminded how many people over the years have found the blog interesting and helpful. I know people's lives have been changed by it. I know too that the strength of it is in the discussion and contributions by those who join in by commenting.

So I will try to keep writing. Let's keep discussing "the ethical questions that D/s and BDSM bring up". Please help me by adding the occasional comment and even suggesting topics that you would like to be discussed.

Thank you to all my readers.

Weinstein

There have been so many words written recently in relation to this man's actions and the broader issues they raise. So I do not presume to think I have much to add but will say just a few words as men have been asked to do so rather than it being women who are condemning such actions.

Of course I do so - and recognise that it is not just about one man or one business but pervades society and too often men's attitudes to women. In particular it applies to men in power and how they chose to use or abuse that power.

A BDSM relationship or situation is just that - where one person has power over another. The key is whether the one with power chooses to abuse that power relationship. Within the BDSM community there is such a consensus over the need for consent and opprobrium towards those who abuse that situation that I hope such abuse is rare. However I am sure it does happen. It is for all of us to call out when we become aware of such abuse.

I hope in my blog posts over many years I have been consistent and explicit about that.

back from Berlin...

I'm back from Berlin now. It made a great break from pressures at home but I'm not sure I got up to the amount of depraved debauchery (or is it debauched depravity?) that my readers expect of me! Perhaps I was too tired. Though Inés did get involved in some body painting in the centre of Berlin so was photographed naked at Checkpoint Charlie!

Here is a link to a photo. NSFW

And no, before you ask, the golden cock isn't mine. I was taking the photograph.

I did also get to meet Heidi, the creator of Pique Lingerie while I was there. At that time she was very stressed as she was trying really hard to get lots of publicity to support her Kickstart campaign. Since then she has found out that the campaign was a success so is thrilled by that. Thank you to those of you that have offered support.

We tried to fit in a photography session but didn't have the time. So a bondage shoot is now planned for a future visit!

Berlin

I'm flying to Berlin tomorrow to meet up with Inès. I'm hoping to have lots of fun and, who knows, perhaps some delightfully decadent debauchery!

:)

I will also be meeting the founder of Pique Lingerie for a coffee so I am also looking forward to that.

I'll let you know all about it when I get back.

Well, nearly all...

;)

lingerie, sensuality and fetish...

Decadent lingerie from Berlin for the fuller figure...

I'm afraid this post starts as something of a promotion. I once before advertised an online book on spanking by an online contact that I thought was good but I think that is the only previous time I have done this.

I have a friend in Berlin who is setting up a lingerie business for the fuller figure.

" Inspired by Berlin's hedonistic, pleasure-seeking underground, Pique Lingerie explores the nuances between desire and decadence, temptation and compulsion It seduces you into rousing hidden urges and embracing passion without compromise." Well that's what it says on the website!

Perhaps you might like to have a look at the website here or the Kickstarter site here. She talks about it herself and how it was motivated by her search for sensual lingerie for the fuller figure and inspired by her growing love of fetish and Kinbaku in a rather lovely video here.

I hope you might find it interesting and even pass it on to other friends who may like it.

It has made me think though about the role of lingerie in bdsm, kink and fetish. Women - do you like to dress up for your partner? Can it give you a feeling of power or submission? Can it just make you feel positive because you have made the effort to look attractive, sexy or seductive? And men - do you like your woman dressed seductively for you, whether as dominant or submissive?

(I have to admit that I rather like the look of women dressed as dominatrices even though I have no desire to be dominated. Perhaps it is because I like strong women. I must enjoy the challenge!)

being outed...

In a recent post here I discussed "coming out" about ones BDSM lifestyle. In the comments Dani said she had been "outed" by her X.

Being outed is a whole different ball game from deciding to come out oneself. As Lea commented coming out or being outed could have huge consequences for her.

Some time ago gay activists outed prominent people who were gay without their permission. Often this was to illuminate hypocrisy and to further their cause for equality and acceptance. This was widely criticised by many.

Given that the consequences of being outed as in a BDSM lifestyle can have such adverse consequences, can it ever be justified?

Have any readers had experience of this?