"... deeper and more profound"?

I received an unexpected comment to a post on Uncle Agony today. I suppose all comments are unexpected as only very rarely would someone tell me in advance that they planned to comment. However this was particularly unexpected as the discussion was more than two years old. I know that old posts do still get readers and I occasionally get new coments to old posts.

This one was critical but the content implied the commenter had read the post and subsequent comments. You can find the comment here and the original post here.

George worried that introducing D/s into  a new and loving relationship could possibly ruin the strong, loving relationship that they had built. I felt that my response and that of others was to suggest that the introduction of D/s was more likely to enhance it. I have found rereading the comments very interesting. I did not feel any arrogance or bravado in them. They talked of balance and the importance of the strength of a vanilla side to the relationship.

However the commenter clearly read it differently. He or she found an implication in the posts that D/s was deeper or more profound than other relationships. They argued that to believe this exhibited "narcissism and hubris".

I wonder if we get so involved in this world that there is an inherent belief that a D/s relationship is in some way 'better' or  in the words of the commenter 'deeper or more profound'? Although I would not try to claim that D/s relationships were 'better' than vanilla relationships, on a personal level I am more fulfilled than in a vanilla relationship. However I hope would not proselytise or try to convert others to D/s in an evangelical spirit.

I wonder though if the commenter has an element of truth. Do we believe that D/s relationships are 'better' than vanilla relationships? Do we try to persuade others of this?

when your spouse cannot meet all your needs ...

... then what do you do?

Depends on the depth of need to a certain extent I suppose. Need a shirt ironing? No. Obviously I am talking about those needs that seem part of who you actually are as an individual. Those needs can change over time. Being able to continue to met the needs of those one loves and to have them met can become more and more problematic over a long timescale.

I have been married for a long time. Only last year I finally left. I suppose my needs had not been met for a long time. However there are other factors that keep one together. Where a couple have children they will often - and I believe quite rightly - put them first. Often an individual will put the happiness of their partner before their own needs and continue whilst unhappy and unfulfilled themselves.

There is no right answer and many struggle with this problem for years. I know it has happened to many who I have made contact with over the years in relation to D/s. They have discovered a growing and irresistible need inside themselves to submit and to have their partner control and dominate them. Yet their partner is unable to fulfil this role. What do they do? Well in my experience they have all found different ways to try to find their own happiness and fulfilment and to explore their budding desires and new found needs.

One who has found herself in this position and who is struggling with this dilemma has written to Uncle Agony. You will find her email here. Do read it - and if you have thoughts of your own about the best way forward please write a comment there. You may have found yourself in exactly that position. How did you resolve it? Or are you still struggling yourself?

switching

Desireous wrote something interesting in a recent comment on this post. It was in the context of discussing whether ones needs could always be met by one person. She had found not even though it was her ideal situation so ad different deeds met by different people. That led her on to mention a new direction for her. She wrote,

Ideally for me I'd really like to have everything I want all in one person but that isn't that easy to find and sometimes you just have to settle or work with what life throws you I guess. Lately I've stumbled into the other side of D/s which opens up a whole new can of worms in regards to this subject. What of people who like to be dominated by one and submissive to another? As I feel that's kind of where I'm headed these days.

It might be even more difficult to find a partner who also switches in order that that ones submissive and dominant desires and needs can be fulfilled by the same person. So perhaps this is another case where a need for multiple partners becomes real.

I think it can be hard enough to find a compatible sub or Dom - but to find a compatible switch ... !

So any switches out there? How do you satiate your desires? With the same partner or with multiple partners?

What we did on our holidays ...

We've been back from Berlin for a week now and I've been sorting out my holiday snaps. We met up with a rope expert and my woman Inès had a very memorable bondage experience while I took photographs. I've put one here on my Beau blog today and will follow up with some more over the next week.

Back from Berlin - and another article about polyamoury

Had a great time. I may publish some photos on my Beau blog soon from a lovely evening we had there. S got all tied up! She loved it.

In the meantime I thought many of you might like to read an article I just found. It is about an interesting polyamorous family so follows on from recent discussions.

You can read it here.

who will make it 400?

Some time ago I was celebrating the fact that I had 100 followers - here.

So I am rather amazed that I now have 399. I wonder if I will have 400 by the time I get back from Berlin?

I tell you what - a special gift of 400 spanks is offered to my 400th follower!!!

Berlin

Berlin ... just the name seems infused with a certain decadence don't you think? I'm going to be there for a couple of weeks with my woman so forgive me if you don't find me here for a short while. Though if you happen to live in Berlin - see you there! You can show us round the local fun places to see and be seen!

marked

I have published a short video on my more scurrilous blog Beau here.

It shows a young woman showing off the marks she has received from what looks to have been a full body caning. Compared with some of the pictures that are available on some sites it is not extreme - but it clearly was a severe beating the marks of shich will take some time to fade.

If it had been any more extreme than this I would not have published it - and I had doubts about publishing that one. Perhaps that is because of my own squeamishness. For a Dom I am afraid I am a bit of a wimp. I also do not like needles, blood or knife play. That is just personal taste and attitude I suppose and I know there are readers of this blog who perhaps engage in play where they may be marked as severely as this or even more so. There may be others though who find that level far too much and would not consider engaging in such play.

The woman clearly likes her marks even though (or perhaps I should say "because") they are severe. My own woman enjoys looking at marks from play even though they are nothing compared to those on the video. There are perhaps lots of reasons why subs enjoy looking at and feeling their marks and love to have been marked. Above all it is a sign of ownership and submission.

Despite the consensual nature of such play is there a point though at which I should be concerned for a sub who likes to be severely beaten and marked? Is there not a line that should not be crossed by a Dom even when the sub desires that he go further and treat her even more severely? Clearly lasting physical harm may be one line - but even if it is not lasting harm, is it always justifiable? Is there a point where one needs to think of the psychological health of the sub as well as the physical health? Is it always ok to desire such pain and marking?

Or am I just a big wimp?

On having your cake and eating it

Recently at a munch I met a sub who was married but whose husband would not dominate her in the bedroom. She travelled on business and when she was away from home she would go to munches hoping to meet a Dom who could meet her needs. I know other subs online whose husbands will not dominate them and who have searched elsewhere to have their needs met.

I received an email a little while ago from a sub with a question for Uncle Agony. Her boyfriend will not dominate her and she asks whether she can have her vanilla boyfriend and her Master at the same time. You can read her email and my response here. So can she have her cake and eat it?

I know there are readers of this blog who have a husband or vanilla partner who will not dominate them but also a Master as well. For some it is with and for others without the knowledge of their partner. So how did you come to this situation? How do you make it work? What do others think? Is this an appropriate solution to the problem of a partner who will not meet your needs or is it a betrayal of trust?

This has some parallels to our recent discussions on polyamory. There have been some very interesting recent comments on the most recent here. So if you are interested in the topic do go back and read them.

polyamory 2 - what women want

I think it is often thought - and sometimes by myself - that it is men who are more interested in polyamory than women. There is a stereotype of women being the faithful home makers while men are predatory and looking for fun with other women. yes, I know it is a stereotype but there are elements of it which I have felt may have some truth in them and I think it is a stereotype that many believe.

So I was interested to read this article recently, Women and sex: the myth-buster. It suggests that the opposite is the case, that women are not suited to monogamy. It also implies that this is because it is they who are often not satisfied sexually by their partners so have frustrated desires which they look to meet elsewhere. Is it not the case that it is the opposite that is often presupposed?

Fascinating article - I will be interested to hear how much readers agree with the discussion in it.

polyamory

I just came across this article on CNN - Face it: Monogamy is unnatural

Is it? I wonder if jealousies in human nature can be a real barrier to polyamory. A bisexual friend was eager to develop his relationships in this way but his wife was very resistant and this has caused them real problems which they are still working at resolving. I would be happy for my woman to have a girlfriend - but another man? I'm not so sure. Is that a weakness in me?

I know there are readers of this blog for whom it works well. Are there others who have tried it and failed? What do you think of the article? What is most natural - polyamory or monogamy? I wonder if views are different for men or for women - or for straight, gay or bisexual?

pain

Some time ago a friend, who sadly no longer blogs as far as I am aware, wrote

"This still leaves issues with the term 'pain' which classical definitions cannot help us with: pain is generally perceived by the population to mean something that should be avoided. Even coupling the word 'exquisite' with 'pain' doesn't seem to get the message across: pain is extreme sensation, and is not necessarily bad or best avoided."

She laughed when I quoted it back to her before we played. She hates being quoted. I suggested we changed "and is not necessarily bad or best avoided" to " and is sometimes to be embraced."

So "pain is extreme sensation and is sometimes to be embraced."

I wonder how many of you embrace pain. Can it be "exquisite"? I hate receiving it but get pleasure from administering it in appropriate and sensual situations.

Nerves ...

Do you get nervous before a scene?

Is that positive or negative?

If there were no butterflies before a scene then is that implying an expectation that the scene will hold no power? Surely if a scene is going to be worthwhile then one would expect the sub to be nervous. Otherwise might it be just going through the motions of a well rehearsed set of activities. Surely there needs to be at least some nervous anticipation. I do not believe there should be real fear. I would worry about that. Might it be getting close to abuse if a sub were genuinely fearful before a scene?

So - do you expect to be nervous before a scene or have you become blasé about it? Have you very been really afraid? In which case how do you feel about that and how did it turn out? What about Doms - are you also anxious before a special scene?

the variety of different D/s gender relationships

Early in the history of this blog I wrote a post about my use of language. It explained why I refer on here to dominants as "he" and submissives as "she". You can read that post here.

I do, however, intend and hope that my posts will be relevant to a variety of relationships with male, female or transsexual dominants and submissives. I am aware though that my own direct experience is very much from the male dom/female sub perspective.

It is therefore always interesting when I get, for instance, comments from female dominants and male submissives and from those in same sex relationships.

Recently I had a comment from sub in training.(You can read it here.) I wondered whether his comment was specific to male subs. That in turn made me wonder whether I was being very naive and narrow in not exploring more deeply the variety of experience in M/f, F/m, F/f and M/m relationships. How much may be common to us all and how much is specific to different types of relationship? Is there a common core? Might there be much to explore and learn from others in very different roles and relationships?

My apologies to any who feel my posts have not been inclusive of their own circumstances. Please feel free to tell me if and when that is not the case. 

a sense of humour

I think a sense of humour is important in all parts of our life.That includes D/s and BDSM play. Yes - I know one has to take it seriously, that is important. However there is a danger in taking anything too seriously - especially oneself. I fear that some can take themselves far too seriously in this world in a way that can lead to pomposity.

My woman has a habit of giggling at inappropriate moments. That is okay, I just spank her a little harder. That has on occasions resulted in yet more giggles. However I am very patient and spank just a little harder still. It is fun discovering how hard I need to spank to turn the giggles into yelps.

Such fun.

Do you like to have fun like this - or should it all be more serious?