today ...

... I was going to catch up on answering all the recent comments from kind readers over the festive season. I was going to publish a new and stimulating (ahem) post.

I was going to climb a mountain, compose a symphony, make love to a beautiful woman, cook a gourmet meal, throw a snowball, write my life-story ...

Ooops, sorry, slipping into fantasy there!

But the day disappeared. However, I did some important jobs and went for a walk and took down all the Christmas decorations and chatted with a friend.

Tomorrow I will be a kind Dom and will blog. I promise!

Happy New Year

I'd like to take this opportunity to say a big thank you to all commenters on this blog over the last few months. We've had some very interesting discussions and I know I am learning from you all.

Wishing a very Happy New Year to all readers and friends

Happy Christmas

I would like to wish a very Happy Christmas to all readers of this blog.

Whatever your circumstances I hope you find some magic and joy this holiday season.

Busy, busy, busy ...

I had hoped to write a new post before Christmas but ...

Well I promise there will be another before too long! In the meantime there have been recent, interesting comments to "edge play" and "body modification" that you may have missed.

body modification

I have just exchanged a couple of messages with a sub who I did not know until now. Her previous Dom insisted she have - I think it was five cosmetic operations. This includes a nose job and breast implants. The breasts are hard and out of proportion with her body. Her new nose was a very painful procedure. She hates how she looks now and works out strenuously to create a body image that she feels is her. She has published pictures of herself in the hope that she may get some positive comments to help her esteem and self-image.

Another sub I know has lost weight at the instruction of her Dom. She has gone down from over 20 stone (about 300 pounds) to an English dress size 10/12 (American 6/8 I think). I fist met her when she was about size 14/16 (American 10/12). She was happy with her weight and body shape then. However now she hates her body. She hates the way her breasts are no longer full and sag. She hates other sagging folds of skin. She is no doubt much healthier than before - and is exercising lots on instruction too. However she has not yet quite reached her Master's target weight for her.

These are fairly extreme examples but I have seen subs on contact sites looking for a Dom to transform them in such ways.

There are many other ways in which a Dom may require a body modification that is less extreme. This might be a small tattoo or a piercing. Such things may be regarded as more acceptable - but even in such cases they are often a joint decision for both to make and celebrate their relationship.

But if the tattoo was large and unsightly - or visible - or used explicit bdsm language?

I wonder if many readers have undergone body modification at the instruction of their Master - or have required it of their sub - and what their attitudes to this is.

edge play

The discussion earlier about paid sex - here - got me thinking about edge play. Edge play may mean different things to different people. Here I want to talk though about play that is consensual but potentially harmful, dangerous or illegal.

Where it is truly fully consensual then I do not want to be seem to be judging but ... well I suppose I do have some problems - especially as we are talking of relationships where such power is given to another.

To make a decision to harm someone? To make them do something illegal? To instruct them to undertake a task that was potentially very dangerous? This harm could also be psychological or emotional as well as physical - and such situations are even more difficult to judge. Is it possible to trust any person enough to allow them to have such power? But it is consensual ...

There are also levels of risk I suppose. I know couples and individuals who enjoy breath play. A sub friend is drawn to this and did some research on it. It seems there is no way of undertaking it that is not dangerous and potentially life threatening. Yet she is still drawn to it and I think will have a go. Another sub friend has recently written on her blog about trying it and enjoying it. I genuinely do not judge any of these people. They have measured the risks involved, take what precautions they can and are having fun. So should I not feel as non-judgemental about all kinds of edge play?

A couple of sub friends have been worried about permanent damage to their breasts due to punishments from Doms which caused lumps that they were worried could be cancer. Both were fortunate in that the lumps were not - but they were very worried for a while. I'm sure neither of them planned for this when they indulged in the play. So whose responsibility was it to ensure the play was safe?

I am very queasy and do not like blood so I personally find blood play or needle play difficult - but I know there are readers of this blog who gain satisfaction and fufillment from it. At what stage does it become dangerous or harmful?

If a sub is seriously harmed emotionally, psychologically or physically by her Dom then I think that is wrong even if it is consensual. I believe a Dom has a resonsibility to care for his sub and keep her safe. That to me is a fundamental part of the deal when power is exchanged.

But what counts as "serious harm"? And am I just being a wimp?

married ...

I have a couple of submissive female friends whose husbands cannot understand their needs. One of them would love her husband to spank her but, having the laudable attitude that violence to women is wrong, he just cannot bring himself to do it.

Both these subs have struggled with how to satisfy their own needs whilst maintaining their marriages. They have both found some satisfaction with internet relationships. But they both crave real relationships too. One may have embarked on an affair - which could be likely to put her marriage at risk. The other I think has at times been sorely tempted. For now though she has put online Masters to one side - but she feels a big gap in her life.

I too am married to a woman who would be horrified by this aspect of my life. So I have online relationships and secret encounters.

There are many of us who dream of the happy relationships that some of the readers of this blog enjoy.

pimped ...

One morning last January I dropped a friend off for a meeting at the university. I took a short cut on the way back through what at night has become a "red light" area. An area where prostitutes work the streets. I pass no moral judgement on this regarding the women.

At about ten o'clock in the morning there was a young woman standing on the kerb looking for business. It was freezing cold. She was dressed in jogging trousers and a thin top. She was hugging herself to try to keep warm. She was crying.

I imagine she needed the money to buy her first fix of the day. No doubt it was a man who had got her hooked on drugs to bring him in money and to give him power over her.

There are some very evil aspects of men's power over women that we should never forget.

Recently I was talking with a sub who had had a scene with a Dom where she had been paid a token amount as an intended humiliation - which she gets off on. But she became upset. She gave her submission and sexual use for free. That was central to what she did.

She also told me though of a sub friend of hers - a woman with a professional job - whose Dom sends her out to prostitute herself on the streets each weekend as part of her submission and his control over her. For me that seems to be getting too close to the Dom becoming the pimp. I have no time for pimps.

It is interesting too that for many subs being paid for sex is a "hard limit" but that for most of the escorts I know who are paid for sex that they would find the things most subs engage in as being quite beyond their own limits.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American readers.

Diana Laurence has written on her blog of erotic stuff to be thankful for.

In this context ...

- I am thankful for having met several good online friends with whom I have had some special erotic fun.

- I am thankful for having been able share as a contributor (under several names) and a reader to the erotic Dragonfly Geisha blog.

If any readers would like to share their erotic stuff to be thankful for then please feel free to do so as a comment.

pushing limits

I talked here a little while ago about "no limits". In the discussion there seemed to be a consensus that there were always some limits - even if these were implicit and understood.

For many there are explicit limits. They can be very hard limits. Ones that it would be a serious breach of trust to try to breach or stretch. I have said a little about this in earlier posts on safewords and mistakes.

But there are other relationships where the very act of submission and of giving oneself to another gives permission for limits to be tested, stretched and broken. I was discussing this with a sub recently where it was clearly almost the purpose of her journey. She wanted to be led further and further into degradation - to be made to do things that she found almost impossible. She then got great pride and satisfaction in having had her limits stretched.

Clearly this will be different in each relationship and a Dom holds great power and responsibility. The sub I mentioned above wrote in her journal recently of being in tears whilst carrying out a task. She also sounded almost in despair over where it was all leading - though another part of her desperately craved that slavery.

How much I wonder is her Dom doing this to meet her needs and how much to meet his desires? How would he know if he had gone too far? How would she? Could there be times when stretching her limits is not psychologically and emotionally safe for her even if part of her craves it?

Talking

I have another blog where I write about some different aspects of my life that ...

... well take a lot of my emotional energy.

Sometimes there are big gaps but at other times I write every day. At the moment the posts are stacked up. So forgive me if my posts here tend to be infrequent. I am grateful for the time people have put into the comments and I promise I will continue posting.

My other blog is intended as a therapeutic tool for me - to help me deal with some difficult situations - to get out that depth of emotion. I know there are many who do this too in the D/s and BDSM field. Talking - or writing - can be a great catharsis - getting out into the open so many worries or concerns - or anger and delight - that just need sharing.

So my writing here is partly a diversion from that other part of my life - but also a way of investigating and sharing some other special thoughts about this interesting and complex world.

Talking and writing can be very special and very rewarding.

Especially when people are listening.

So thank you for listening - and for writing.

Listening

If you are a sub how well does your Dom listen to you? Does he see that as part of his purpose or is that just to instruct you?

If you are a Dom do you listen to your sub? No, I don't mean just take notice that she has dared to talk and that you have not shut her up. I don't even mean hearing the words and understanding them and attempting to reassure her.

No.

I mean do you try to listen to all she has to say - to understand her feelings - to understand what it is that drives her soul. Do you listen to understand the effect her submission to you has on her? The ecstasy and the agony of accepting your instructions and punishments?

Do you listen to her to understand her deeply?

He is telling me "yes" dear sub ... does he really?

Reading this blog

A friend said to me recently in an email that I must be pleased by the success of the Pygar blog. I hadn't thought about it in that way. Its success I suppose is that it has attracted a readership - and an active readership that joins in discussion in a thoughtful, caring and supportive way. It is what I would have hoped for I suppose.

When I started it I was worried that I might get flamed for my views so from the very beginning I have been pleased with all the supportive comments. I hope that because I write honestly and, I hope, non-judgementally in the main then others feel safe to express their views too. I hope it can remain a place where people with an interest in the discussions can express themselves honestly and know that any responses will continue to be supportive. That is not to say that we will not have disagreements. Healthy debate is useful and can help us all develop our ideas and views and knowledge. I know I am still learning and am happy to acknowledge that I can learn from many of the readers of this blog. It has been heartening to have other Doms comment in similar vein.

If this blog has quality and merit - it is because of the quality of comments from readers. Another friend wrote to me that she only read the blog from a feed so had missed most of the comments. If you too are reading in such a way I recommend you visit and read the comments. There is so much of value and interest there. They are the heart of this blog.

So thank you to all who have commented on this blog and helped make it worth reading.

Players

Following an email exchange this evening with a reader of this blog I began to wonder if rather than men masquerading as Doms it might be that some might just lack competence at it and are too inexperienced and lacking the knowledge to realise the commitment needed.

This post however is a follow-up to the previous post "masquerading?" which looked at how to recognise "Doms" who might be wanting to misuse subs. I had already written this new post but had held it back for personal reasons. I think it follows on well though from the discussion on the previous post ...

Despite the fine words we shared in my post about domestic abuse praising Dom/sub relationships. Doms are not always kind, gentle and caring souls thinking only about the fulfilment and happiness of their subs. We are all human.

A very good friend of mine has had some very unfortunate experiences with men who describe themselves as Doms. I believe she has been abused mentally and physically. She is eager to build a successful relationship with a Dom and she has much to offer. It is not ideal but because of her personal circumstances she has had to try to get to know Doms through internet contact sites. She has been misled, lied to, cheated, upset and badly hurt. They promised so much but gave so little. In fact they gave virtually nothing but took so much. There is a giving of trust in such relationships. Because this trust has been broken so often my friend now feels she can trust nobody. That in itself is a great sadness and is real psychological damage she has received from these men.

She is such a beautiful, kind, genuine, caring and submissive woman - she could have given these men so much. I am bemused at how they can toss her aside so thoughtlessly and cruelly.

Finding the right partner to try to build the quality of relationship we were talking about earlier can be so very difficult.

masquerading?

In a comment to my post on "no limits" emdie wrote:
"The so called dominants who leave their subs in psychological damage and just move on to the next victim, in my opinion are not real Dominant Master's. Some people out there are just tops masquerading as such to get what they want."

I agree with emdie's comment in principle - but how is a sub to recognise a true Dom? How long might it take to discover he is only masquerading? What damage might be done in the meantime?