Intimacy

When I was a college student I bought a book by Jean Paul Satre called Intimacy.

Why did I buy it?

Perhaps I was tempted by the picture on the cover. Or was it the phrase "corruption of love" in the description. There was certainly the pretension of pseudo-intellectualism in carrying it around with me unread!

But there was too something powerful about the word.

Intimacy

Perhaps it was something I craved but didn't have. It seemed to imply something erotic and special - a depth of experience I had not had then. I doubt I knew the meaning of intimacy at that time and I wonder if I do now.

It is not a word I use often. Certainly not recently. In thinking over the last few days about its meaning I found my immediate response to be very physical. To talk of an intimate relationship or encounter seems almost synonymous with describing a sexual one. Is that not how the word is most often used? Intimate contact seems to imply sexual contact, genital contact - a purely physical act.

However the more I thought of the word the more those earlier feelings returned. Intimacy seemed to imply something special - certainly more than fumbling sexual contact. There is an emotional context to it as well. There is emotional intimacy as well as physical intimacy. "Intimacy" itself seems to imply a physical and emotional connection that is much more subtle.

The more I have thought about it the more I feel that it implies a very special relationship that is not love or sex or affection or physical contact. There is something sensual about the word but something that implies a closeness that cannot be described by those other words.

I found myself thinking about this having read Jz's post about her relationship and some difficult thoughts and decisions.

In it she wrote,

"It is in that loft, however, where the intangible thing comes out to play.
It's not love - I've had that with people who never made it through the hallway. But it is nearly as visceral.
Because those who've run the gamut win my trust and together, we generate intimacy. True, profound, binding intimacy."

The word within that very powerful phrase held me. True, profound, binding intimacy.

I still don't think I fully understand "intimacy" or what it means. However, I have been reminded of the power of it and feel I should search it out once more.

I write of it here because it seems central to a bdsm relationship. What could be more intimate?

domination, pain and sadism

This is a follow up post to my previous post on submission, pain and masochism and its follow up pain.

My thoughts started with a combination of each but felt it might be better to try to raise issues from each side of the Dom/sub and sadist/masochist divide separately.

Dominance does not imply violence. In my day to day life I hate violence. I could not countenance hitting another person.

Unless.

Unless ...

... it was part of a consensual BDSM relationship.

How about if it were part of a consensual D/s relationship? Perhaps.

Perhaps?

Well ... it could be part of administering control and establishing dominance. It clearly would be with consent - but not necessarily with desire though I would treat it differently in each case.

The acceptance of pain can be a way that a sub can express her submission and a Dom can emphasise the element of control. However a Dom needs to take care here. The pain should not be in itself the controlling characteristic. A Dom should not control through the threat or administration of pain. In such cases it may cease to be Domination and become abuse.

No - it is rather through the acceptance of pain that within a trusting D/s relationship a sub may express the depth of her submission. This might seem like "topping from the bottom" but I believe it has to be the sub's acceptance of pain rather than the Dom's administration of pain that is the key in a non-masochistic relationship.

My key enjoyment is the combination and contrast of pleasure and pain. The exploration of the sensuality of sensation - whether pleasure or pain. The discovery of sensuous and sexual desire though exploration of sensation that could be either or both at the same time. As a switch friend once said to me, "pain is merely extreme sensation and not necessarily to be avoided - and sometimes even to be embraced."

But what if she is merely accommodating my own sadism? Am I a sadist if I enjoy the administration of pain? Does that matter? Does that make me cruel? Does that matter?

I enjoy administering pain as long as it is within a trusting D/s setting - where I know that on some level my sub partner is getting as much from it as me. Indeed I enjoy it all the more if I know that she is enjoying it too. I love masochists!

If she wasn't - I'm not sure I could do it.

But ...

I was interested in something Jz wrote on a recent post. She quoted a conversation with a Dom friend when he said ...

"That is really how I am, You must whimper because you are really whimpering, so that it is completely for my pleasure, and knowing that is what has to give you pleasure."

He wants her to whimper. To really whimper. Only for his pleasure. There is real sadism there. But he wants her to gain her own pleasure from knowing that it is giving him pleasure. In the end it will only work if she has pleasure too.

Part of me would like to search for that woman who will willingly whimper for me through knowing that it gives me pleasure. But part of me wants more than that - I want her to gain pleasure from the physical aspect too. I worry that the psychological pleasure of knowing she has pleased me could be so easily manipulated by some that it could come close to abuse.

I want most of all the sensuality of the connection of pleasure and pain.

pain

I had planned to move on from my last post about "submission, pain and masochism" to discuss it from the Dom's perspective. However the fascinating comments to the previous post have raised a few more points I would like to discuss first.

♥LETRENTEAVRIL♥ mentioned emotional pain. That seemed to bring in a whole new dimension which probably deserves - and, who knows, one day may get - a post all to itself. Emotional pain seems a very harsh thing to inflict on a sub - more so than physical pain. In many ways physical pain is easier to control - to recognise the impact of what one is administering. But emotional pain? That could be damaging in ways one could never see. Emotional or psychological bruises are invisible unlike physical ones.

I would be wary of administering emotional pain - but I recollect a meeting with a sub friend some time ago. We used to play together occasionally and I used to try to have a theme to make each meeting different. For one I chose pain and told her beforehand. I imagined she would expect it was about different kinds of physical pain - and of course it was - but also about other kinds of pain. I forget now what I had planned but remember introducing the pain of denial, the pain of rejection and of humiliation. I suppose these are kinds of emotional pain but they were intended in gentle ways where the effect was not intended to last outside the time of our meeting - but who can tell?

The other point that came from the comments was the lack of admission of masochism. In the main pain was tied up with the notion of submission - a gift to one's master. A few talked of their occasional enjoyment of pain and how this had developed, perhaps leading into masochism. However there was no detailed comment from someone who was able to describe enjoying pain for its own sake - or for what pain alone could bring to her fulfilment.

I suppose there are few who eagerly seek out pain but there are those who do gain great satisfaction from it. Sometimes they can be the same person. A sub friend - who I have not played with - told me of how she had a low pain threshold. She did not enjoy it at all. But she was seeking a master who could beat her severely. Once a dom had beaten her until she went into subspace. She said he was skilled and knew what he was doing and stayed with her holding her gently and close as she took some hours to come back down from that special place. She longed to find it again.

I wonder if others have had such experiences?

submission, pain and masochism

I have written about pain before here. However a conversation with an online friend has got me thinking about it again.

There is a big difference between a submissive and a masochist. There is no reason why a submissive should enjoy pain whereas a masochist revels in it.

Few of us will seek out pain except under special circumstances. However the masochist - and also the sub who begins to learn the pleasure of pain - know of the endorphins that are released that can take one to a special place.

That can be rare for many. It is also different from submission. I think though that the acceptance of pain can be enjoyed by a submissive without the endorphine rush as part of the submissive act. The fact that one would normally avoid pain (after all it is a natural sensation to warn us of danger and potential damage) makes it a very submissive act to accept pain from one's Dom. It can become a measure of the submission - a proof of the depth of it - an acceptance of control and the will of their Master.

So the pleasure in pain can be just a delight in one's own acceptance of control and the will of one's Master. If it were pleasureable in itself then perhaps it would not show and illustrate that acceptance of control and domination - the will to please one's Master despite the pain.

So the pain for a sub who is not naturally a masochist may be very different. However I wonder if this pleasure in accepting pain for a Master turns eventually into accepting pain as a pleasure in its own right. The fact that one is pleasing one's Master though accepting pain gives pleasure and satisfaction that leads one to seek it out ...

... does one then become a masochist?

For a sub in domestic discipline perhaps it is different again. In such cases a spanking or other beating is to control - to punish inappropriate behaviour. If one began to enjoy the spankings ... then surely it would no longer be a punishment and the discipline has gone?

Forgive these initial fumblings. It is a complex subject and I am eager to hear from readers. I have tried to write this from the perspective of the sub - and I have no experience of this. I will try to write later from the perspective of the Dom.

But for now - the sub's perspective. Am I wide of the mark?

struggle

I am struggling with a new post at the moment. I started writing a new post about pain - but am having difficulty with it. While I whip it into shape you might be interested in the following.

I wrote a little while ago about "topping from the bottom".

I have just discovered that someone has used it as the basis for a discussion on Fetlife. If you are a member you can read the fascinating discussion here.

I may try to publish a brief synopsis of it in a comment - unless anyone else feels the urge to do so!

Thank you HisSoleProperty for using my thoughts to engender further discussion of this topic. It is interesting to see how a different group of people have responded to it.

More about 'pain' soon!

lonely heart

Searching for that special sub ...

face slapping

I read a story by an online friend. In it, early on a first meeting the Dom slapped the sub across the face. He later repeated it. My friend confided that it was actually a true story.

I wrote to her that I was not sure I would have been so courageous as a Dom on a first meeting. There is something so very powerful and dramatic and potentially humiliating in a face slap - apart also from the pain and potential damage! Unless of course it had been agreed before the meeting as appropriate play. She told me that before the meeting she would have considered it a hard limit but at the time it moved her and created a passionate arousal.

It is not always like this though. I have seen two bdsm video clips where face slapping had clearly not been discussed beforehand. In each the actress - despite being involved in other very intense play - was upset and shaken by the face slapping to the extent that the scene had to be adapted.

I wonder what it is about this particular act that is somehow so personal and powerful? Any ideas? Do you enjoy/accept/endure face slapping as donor or recipient?

protection

I mentioned in my earlier post about mentoring that I was also thinking about "protection". I had been discussing this with blossom. She has written a post about it here.

There has been some discussion about it in the comments. I tend to agree with Dauntless Vitality in his comment here that it is most often seen on social networking sites. Sometimes a sub will even describe herself as "under Protection" as a way of avoiding too much unwanted and unsolicited mail from Doms.

Alice in her comment speculated on whether another sub could be a protector. I can imagine some scenarios where this would work but blossom was more dubious. I wonder what other readers feel about that?

By coincidence I had an email the other day from a sub who had recently been 'placed "Under Protection" '. With her agreement I have published it on Uncle Agony here. I feel her protector was overstepping the mark - I would be interested to know there whether others agree. However his description of the role of a protector seems very good.

So - what does protection in this sense mean to you? Is it something completely different? Is there a place for this in D/s?

mentoring

Sometimes on BDSM social networking and contact sites one sees subs describing themselves as being mentored by or under the protection of a Dom friend. I was discussing this recently with blossom. She posted about it here.

I have tended to assume just common sense interpretations of these words and corresponding roles. But is there more that comes with it from the D/s dynamic? blossom suggests there may be different levels that could even lead into a training role. For me though a training role would lie outside a mentoring role and be distinct from it. But where the line lies between them I am not sure. For mentoring is a kind of support which is close to teaching ... which in turn can come close to training.

Have any readers felt themselves officially or unofficially mentoring a sub or being mentored by a Dom? Is it more structured than I have described and should it be? Should training form any part of mentorship?

I was going to develop this further into the area of "protection". But that will perhaps be better as a separate post.

100

Thank you Marc_oo - or perhaps I should say "merci".

Mark_oo is the 100th follower of this blog. Thank you also to the 99 others. Please forgive me if I don't mention you all by name!

Some time ago David told me here that I also had 100 readers on Google Reader.

So thank you to those readers too.

All I need to do now is to think of something worth writing for all of you!

No pressure there then ...

PS - Anyone care to accept 100 spanks to celebrate? No? Oh well - it was worth a try! :)

woman

As well as her being a "good girl" I want her to be a woman.

A real woman - with a woman's strength, a woman's sensitivity, a woman's body, a woman's sensuality, a woman's sexuality, a woman's desires and a woman's needs.

Give me a real woman to love, care for, play with and use.

"good girl" - again

I was writing a comment in response to the lovely comments I had to my "good girl" post below. However the responses were all so personal and interesting that I decided to write a follow up post instead.

Thank you all! How wonderful to get so many responses. I suppose it shows how powerful those words were as I had suggested.

Forgive me if I don't thank you all by name - please consider yourselves thanked. "Good girls"!

(And hyvä tyttö to one who hasn't commented yet but also to any others who may understand it - including one who I think might!)

I understand how many of you have found it a term of praise and recognition and thus gives you great pleasure. But wouldn't "well done" do the same? Part of me thinks not.

There is something about "good girl" that seems more powerful Indeed is it not to do with power? The ability for a man to say to a grown woman "good girl" and for her to delight in it? For a strong woman in other circumstances - running a home, a job, taking on so many responsibilities ...

To be described as a "girl" - it might seem demeaning.

But as a "good girl" - then the contrast of the praise with that.

Can that be part of it?

thesubmissivebf mentioned the recollections of its use in our youth. Perhaps that is part of it too.

Mindset talks of the "inner child". Is there not an inner child in all of us that longs to be cherished?

nancy also mentioned the childhood associations.

So is there an element of feeling small and cared for that is part of this that fits in with the D/s dynamic?

NewToThisLife07 values the fact that a Dom also takes pleasure in these words.

Perhaps that completes the circle of domination and submission formed by those two simple words:

"Good girl"

But thank you all for the expressive way in which you wrote of those words moving you ... it was moving also to read of them.

P xxxx

"good girl"

Why are these two words so powerful?

I have used them twice recently with online friends - but not in a serious way. I am not the Dom of either of them. Indeed one has a Dom of her own. I intended no disrespect to him.

With each of them it was kind of an in-joke. It recognised their alignment as sub and mine as a Dom. It was intended as a kind and light hearted remark in the context of a friendly conversation. I was concerned each time in case I had overstepped the mark. It can be a very special comment between a Dom and their sub.

On each occasion the sub took it in the way intended - but also commented on the pleasure they had gained from me using those two words.

What is it about those two words that makes them so powerful?

So to all subs reading - thank you for visiting the blog. You are a "good girl". (Or "good boy"!)

tenderness

I have just published an email from George on Uncle Agony. Here is a small part of it.

"I am afraid "converting" to a D/s-type relationship will ... I don't know, ruin things? How do I balance dominating this girl who I love very much, and by whom I am so perfectly loved, with a D/s sexual relationship? I think that she truly needs to be dominated to be sexually fulfilled. She had a very difficult upbringing in that she was forced to grow up early. Giving up her control and surrendering to the world gives her the relief from her responsibility she needs. I am more than happy to do this for her. But I don't want to lose the hand-holding, kissing, laughing sweetness of a traditional relationship which I take so much pleasure in."

It got me thinking about tenderness, D/s relationships and BDSM.

There are some Doms who are stern and subs who want them to be like that. They appear strict all the time and may enjoy humiliating as well as beating their sub. From the outside there seems little tenderness and the love may appear to take a harsher form. However it may seem very different from the inside.

To me love, care and tenderness are an important constituent part of D/s and BDSM. I remember loving walking hand in hand with the sub who I have been closest to in real life. I enjoyed smiles, snatched kisses and looks - all the things that lovers enjoy. There seemed no contradiction between this and our D/s relationship. It was part of the glue that helped make it work.

Is tenderness not also a constituent part of BDSM? What else is the caress before or after the stroke of an instrument? Without such caresses, contrasts between gentle and fierce, would it not just be a punishment? Just the S without the BD and M.

At then end too of a demanding, intense, painful or emotional scene the helping to bring the sub back to the real world. The holding, hugging, caressing, kissing ...

Perhaps there is more need for true caring and comforting in such a relationship than in other relationships.

Surely tenderness is an essential part of BDSM?

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone.

I hope you all find happiness and fulfilment - as well as a host of sensual delights - in 2011. I hope I do too!

And who knows - we may even find some interesting topics to discuss!

I can hear fireworks going off around me as I write - so once again Happy New Year!!!!