vacation

I'm going to be away for a couple of weeks. Part of the time I shall be in Berlin so if you know of any fun taking place there, do let me know.

;)

:)

More when I get back...

a BDSM spectrum

In a reply to a tweet I posted EisleyXO wrote "I feel like it’s more of a bdsm spectrum now more than ever."

There clearly is a wide spectrum of what people would consider as BDSM or D/s. At one end it may get close to an example I gave in an earlier post about service with little or no play or sexual element. At the other end it could involve heavy sado-masochist play and a slave contract.

So what would the minimum be for a relationship to be regarded as BDSM?

EisleyXO suggested, "Creating a safe environment, pushing limits, ensuring proper after care, and giving a sub the attention they crave could be considered the bare minimum of a d/s dynamic..."

I could agree with most of this but is "pushing limits" an essential part of a BDSM relationship? Though that is perhaps getting into a different discussion. (Perhaps next week!)

For now I wonder what others regard as the bare minimum for a dynamic to be considered BDSM?

loving care as an act of submission

I came across an interesting post on Fetlife recently. The writer was discussing the act of caring for someone as an act of submission. She was asking if there were male or female submissives who got off on just being caring and kind through looking out for anything their dominant might desire or need in their daily lives. The discussion was about this in a non-sexual or BDSM contact. It was purely about offering service and gaining enjoyment through this care and support. There was no search for punishment or reward. The only reward would be the fact that the dominant had been made happy and that they were appreciative of the care. The fulfilment was coming from the fact that the submissive knew they had done the best they could to do everything as perfectly as possible for their dominant and made them happy.

I think this may well be part of many D/s relationships. However for it to be the sole context of the D/s relationship would, I think, be unusual.

I wonder if it is part of your own D/s relationship?

I am slightly conflicted by this notion. I think of myself as dominant rather than submissive and I don't switch. However I like to give pleasure. I offer care and support to my submissives and gain pleasure from this. After all I am a Kind Dom. Does that mean I have submissive tendencies or am I merely manipulative!

;)

Toni

This post isn't about BDSM or D/s or anything at all salacious I am afraid.

It is just to mark the death of Toni Morrison who may have been the greatest American novelist of the last hundred years or so. If she had been male and white then perhaps she would be more widely celebrated as such. Though to be fair she was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature. (But then again so was Bob Dylan. Not that I don't like Bob but, well...)

I think I may have quoted from her once long ago in a post on my Beau blog but I can't find it now or the reason for it.

I have looked for her books on my shelves and found a couple. Others may have been lent out long ago and never returned. I hope I may find time this summer to re-read her novels and perhaps read ones of hers I am yet to discover.

On a review just now I heard her being talked of as describing the black experience. No. She described the human experience. So wonderfully.

Thank you Toni.

BDSM podcasts

Not long ago I wrote a post blogging and age profile. In it I discussed a possible move away from blogging to other social networking possibilities. I have recently realised there is another approach that I did not discuss then - podcasts.

Podcasts are an increasingly popular medium. I have read a couple of articles recently about the growth of sex related podcasting. I listen to the radio a lot and might occasionally catch up on programmes I have missed using my computer or tablet. However I do not subscribe to any podcasts though I have occasionally wondered about browsing them. I wondered if there were many BDSM related podcasts. So I Googled BDSM podcasts.

I am clearly the last to catch up with this phenomena. There were pages and pages of results. Erotica, discussions, advice - the variety was huge. It is even available on Apple podcasts and on Spotify.

So is that Pygar's new way forward? Should Uncle Agony give out his advice on a podcast rather than a blog? Is listening to articles, thoughts and ideas the the way busy people can have time to access them rather than by reading? It may also be it is a way for people to access longer posts.

Do you listen to podcasts? Would you prefer to listen to blog posts rather than read them? Do you follow any BDSM podcasts? If you do have any recommendations for good BDSM related podcasts do let us know. Perhaps I should link to some on the side bar as well as blogs.

And what about Pygar? Do I need to start practising my audio skills and start recording and broadcasting?

flu

I've had a nasty virus for over a week now and can't seem to shake it off.

Is anyone available to pop round and soothe my fevered brow?

Or at least find some other way of cheering me up a bit!

wistful...

When I sorted through my old links a few weeks back it made me wistful. I remembered online and real friendships from many years ago. I came upon old email exchanges that kindled memories.

It gave me a strong feeling of wanting to make contact; to try to reconnect in some way. But why?

D/s relationships have a power and strength that is bound to leave its mark. However some of these were just friendships - though we had lots of fun.

I am not normally one who has too many regrets. It is not that I haven't made mistakes, messed things up, been stupid; after all I'm human too. So yes, there are things I wish I had done differently or not at all and things I wish that I had done or done better. However I try not to concentrate on these things. Instead I try to look forward positively to see what may be the next exciting journey in my life and discover new experiences rather than constantly look backwards.

There were such positives there too that are worthy of recollecting and rediscovering. Even some of my old erotic writing was better than I had imagined! So I kind of enjoyed looking back - if in a wistful way, with some sadness too and thoughts of what might have been and wondering what people are doing now and how they are.

This online world is one where close but distant friendships and relationships can be forged. The D/s element gives even more power and intensity to them.

So are you wistful for old subs or Doms? Do you reflect on the past or are you positive about living for the future?

bruised

Do you like being bruised? Do you celebrate bruises? Do you display them and show them off?

Fetlife, for instance, is full of pictures on members' profiles displaying colourful and in some cases very severe bruising.

Do you like causing bruises? What is the balance between the visual effect you are creating and the pain caused?

What is it about bruising?

In researching for this post I came across this very good piece of writing by Kristen about bruising:
I love getting marked up. I love the little dark fingerprints that fade to yellow on my upper arms, the purple signs of a shoulder bite, the teeth marks on my inner thighs. ... But what I really like are the bruises, bigger and more colorful in the light of day. I like the memory of what we did last night blooming on my skin as I strip for the morning’s shower. I like a big bouquet of them, spread across my shoulders and neck and thighs, proof that someone wanted me so badly they had to grab and bite and sometimes break skin. I like to show them off; ... Bruises take work, to give and get. 

I recommend you read the whole piece which puts the bruising described into proper context. I have slightly misrepresented it here through editing for the purposes of this post. You will find it here.

Is the pleasure in bruises a delightful memory of a special event?

For some though it seems to be the bruising itself. There seems to sometimes be a competitive element. "My bruises are bigger/brighter/more colourful than yours!" Or is it an eagerness to show how much one can take - in a kind of "I am more masochistic than you" kind of way? Or if it is the Dom showing off bruises caused is this a way of showing what a sadist they can be!

It doesn't quite work because people mark differently. Everybody's skin and flesh is different. Newbies can mark very easily whereas those who receive regular spanking may find it harder to get marked.

The whole issue is all discussed much more articulately and personally than I have managed by Kristen in the link above. I fear I may have come over rather dismissively about bruising whereas Kristen writes about it beautifully in a positive way.

So what about you? Are there pictures of your bruised bottom or breasts on your blog or on Fetlife? If so do explain to me the pleasure or satisfaction it gives you.

Do you find it a turn-on or a turn-off to look at?

Do tell me about your attitude to bruising...

links

I have at last got round to deleting all the broken links on the sidebar of this page. Or at least, I hope I have!

I have also taken down most of the ones that have not been updated for some time. Many of them seemed to have stopped round about seven or eight years ago. I wondered what happened in the blogosphere then for so many to suddenly stop. If I have taken down your link in error or you have started again do let me know.

I became quite wistful taking some of them down. Many were by people who I had been very friendly with online. It reminded me of some good friendships and some fun times. It also got me wondering about how they were doing now. So if you are one of them - do get in touch, say hi and let me know how you are doing!

I am aware, because it is so long since I revised the list, that there are many people who comment on here where I have not linked to your own blog or website. I have started to try to put some new links on but I know I have still missed many. So if you are a regular reader or commenter, or if you link to my blog, then please let me know and I will try to put a link also to you.

hugs and cuddles

I'm very positive about the value of hugs and cuddles and have written about it here before. There are some particularly interesting comments and discussion from visitors to the blog on the posts 'hugs heal' and 'bondage and hugs' - and also on the post 'touch'.

I have been reminded about this recently by a couple of things.

Firstly I came across an announcement by a new member of Fetlife that he was offering cuddles as a paid service. This amused me because many, many years ago as part of some banter on a messageboard I offered the same service as a joke and even set up a simple website. I think it was 'Hubert Hugs Inc' and was all very tongue in cheek. It created a very humorous thread and that was just about the end of it. So I was very interested to see that someone actually seemed to be offering this service for real and wondered if that was a joke too. You can see one of his ads here.

I sent him a message, telling him about Hubert. He wrote back to say that not only was it not a joke but that he was doing well. He wrote,
"I'm actually doing OK. I get about 3 meets a week mainly from instagram unfortunately they deleted my profile. I did have 11k followers. I have regulars but they tend to be once a month. I've limited the area I travel now as well which has had a knock on effect. I'm sure I'll pick up a few more clients on here."

Then a few days ago I saw an article in the Guardian newspaper. You can read it here. It describes services offered by a new company Nordic Cuddle. They offer cuddles with a variety of "cuddle practitioners" from £65 for an hour. They make many claims for the outcomes of such sessions for your general wellbeing and health. The sessions are described as totally platonic with clear boundaries which can be adapted to individuals.

Now when does a hug turn into a cuddle? And when does a cuddle become slightly more than "platonic"? The Guardian writer describes how in his session,
"She holds my hand as we talk. Then we try a standing hug, breathing in unison. She strokes my back. After a while, we move on to the bed. We try a few positions, her head on my chest, then mine on hers. There is full body squeezing, leg entwining, fingertip massage."

Now that seems to be becoming more sensual in nature - stroking, his head on her "chest", squeezing, leg entwining, fingertip massage. When does 'stroking' become 'caressing'? Leg entwining seems to be somewhat more than the platonic hugs that Hubert was offering!

When I was last in Berlin I noticed a cuddle event on Fetlife. It looked interesting. I like the idea of a group cuddle event. This one started with purely platonic cuddling but after a break turned into more sensual cuddling for those who wanted it. I would have liked to have gone but it clashed with other arrangements. It seems to have moved on a bit with the sensual and even kinky side. The next event is on Fetlife here.

There seem to be a number of other cuddle events across the world. For instance I noticed one in Perth, Australia and a commercial firm in Montreal, Canada that has a website here.

So if cuddling parties and firms offering cuddling therapies are advertising on Fetlife - has cuddling now become a fetish?

I hug friends of both sexes. However I am boringly heterosexual and would only feel comfortable having a cuddle with someone of the opposite sex. Does't that make it sexual in some way? Or at least sensual? At any rate something less than platonic. So when these firms such as Nordic Cuddle and Calia claim to be offering purely platonic services can that really be the case? I am not suggesting they are offering additional services. I am just questioning whether a cuddle can always be purely platonic in nature. If so then why are photographs of the professional cuddles shown on both of these websites? Again, I sincerely am not trying to attack either of these companies in any way. In fact I am sure I would enjoy the services they offer and benefit from them. I am sure people do gain benefits from them as I know that hugs and touch are important. I am merely trying to investigate the nature of cuddling. And after all if cuddles really are sensual in nature then where is the harm in that?

In fact I must look up the Berlin one when I am next there which is open about the sensual nature of the cuddling.

Perhaps Hubert gave up with his enterprise too soon. If I had kept with it I might by now have had an international chain of cuddle therapy salons.

Anyone fancy a cuddle?

First session free to all commenters on this blog!

masturbation 3 - masturbation and BDSM

OK, so now we are getting comfortable about discussing masturbation with friends and strangers - what about masturbation in a BDSM context? One thinks of masturbation as pleasuring oneself, which of course it is. But when that becomes controlled by another then it can become a powerful tool in a D/s context. It can be used in contrasting ways - through denial or through demand.

A sub friend of mine once had an online Dom who would control her masturbation. On some days he would instruct her via text or email to masturbate at various times during the day. This could be into double figures.

Other Doms might refuse permission for their subs to masturbate. There is a whole range of chastity devices available for men and women. Some for men look extremely painful in the ways they are designed to prevent or punish arousal. Trying to create arousal in such a situation might a be a fun activity for a cruel Domme.

Another cruel play scenario is where a sub might be constantly instructed to arouse themselves but refused permission to orgasm. There must be multiple BDSM games that can be played using masturbation - some of these from a distance. Many Dom's like to keep their subs aroused as ongoing training.

Have you ever used or had used on you a compulsion to masturbate or a prohibition of masturbation in a BDSM context? Or perhaps you have other examples of how masturbation can be used within BDSM play? Or even fantasies...

masturbation 2

I mentioned in a comment to the previous post that by chance the day after I published about masturbation Girl on the Net did so too. On her blog she wrote that it is masturbation month and gave 10 fantasies to inspire us! You can read them all here.

So what kind of erotic fantasies help you in this endeavour? If you are sub do you have submissive fantasies? If Dom then dominant fantasies? Or might you sometimes switch when you are fantasising? Do Doms fantasise of being subs and vice versa? Do you fantasise about BDSM at all - or do you prefer vanilla fantasies? I wonder if people's fantasies may be more extreme than they would ever wish for in reality? Do you have recurring fantasies or a favourite that really turns you on?

Or perhaps, rather than self-created fantasies, you are aroused more easily by created erotica. In which case do videos, photographs, the written word or something else work best or you?

Or perhaps less is more. Anonymous in a comment that stimulate this series of posts was aroused by this blog with its discussions of BDSM relationships and sexuality. Can more subtle triggers help make you aroused?

In particular I am wondering which those in the BDSM scene are most turned on by - thoughts of vanilla sex or BDSM activity.

Do tell...

masturbation 1

It has taken me a while to write this post. I had the ideas in draft for ages but the detail drifted from my mind. So I hope it makes sense. The original comment was here.

The commenter ("Anonymous" of course!) wrote, "A confession: I have masturbated to your blog. A lot. More than I dare admit." They went on, "Please keep reading" as if  worried that the initial "confession" would stop me wanting to read further, as if it had no worth.

I admit I was surprised. I had not thought of my blog as one that someone would fine arousing enough to masturbate to. It is not a blog that sets out to be arousing. However it may be for some who are not part of this world, to read people discussing it and to be able to imagine oneself part of it might be arousing. As well as surprised I surprisingly found myself happy that someone had found intimate physical pleasure from the writing here. Though I am sure it will have been the writing of my commenters that was most arousing!

However, my initial thought was about shame in admitting to masturbating. I was sad about the tone of the commenter. Why is it still a shameful activity? In the UK the word "wanker" (which refers to masturbation, most often of men) is still used regularly as a term of abuse.

Meanwhile magazines and the web is full of adverts and features on the best vibrators and dildos. Possession of a vibrator for a woman no longer something to hide but, amongst younger women in particular, becoming the norm.

Masturbation is a pleasurable activity that does harm to nobody unless done to excess. So how do we rid ourselves of shame in regard to it?

Do you admit openly that you masturbate?

blogging and age profile...

Looking at some other blogs recently I started to wonder about age profile of blog writers and blog readers.

Blogging was once THE THING. We were the trendy new innovators. We were ahead of the game, writing and publishing our own stuff on the internet and getting responses.

However change has not just got faster, the pace of change has got faster. It is an acceleration. Social media has become so diverse. I won't even begin to list the options. But on some of those you cannot post certain BDSM content. Tumblr has just closed down lots of sites. Facebook profiles with nipples, even if they are national art galleries, get closed down.

Younger people use other options more. I don't know much about some of them. Twitter can be good though I tend to use it for BDSM and vanilla purposes mostly for publicity. However for many people Twitter and Facebook may be their main news gathering sites.

The point is though - are we bloggers mostly of a certain age? Are younger people posting shorter, pithier and perhaps more interesting things with fewer words elsewhere? It is good to be able to write at length. However, perhaps we would make contact with more people, and a greater range of people, if we used fewer words on different types of sites.

So are there any younger readers of this site and younger bloggers out there?

Any of you under 30?

Under 40...?

Under 50...?????

And NO, I'm not telling you how old I am either!

;)

beating as a therapeutic tool

I read a post on a message board yesterday relating to an event I had been hoping to get to.

A woman wrote that she had been going through a very difficult and stressful time emotionally over a period of months. She was looking for some seriously hard play with a variety of  implements to help release some emotion. She said she was strong and did not need aftercare but that her ability to give aftercare to the Dom would be limited.

I wrote to her, not to offer my services, but to advise caution. I probably shouldn't have. I don't know her and it is none of my business. There were a few public responses from male Doms whose profiles expressed a sadistic streak offering to help out. There were also a few from female subs and switches offering empathetic and supportive comments.

Was I right to be at all concerned? I also wondered if the aftercare that she was rejecting might be the most important part. I worried about the motives too of the Doms who were offering to 'help'.

I know from the blogs of some submissives, including some readers of this blog, that others have found a beating can help their mood when they are in a negative frame of mind. I guess it is the power of the endorphins released.  I wonder if they would recommend it in such circumstances or whether they too might express caution?

(Sadly I didn't manage to get to the event. So I do not know if the beating took place or how it worked out.)