natural order?

I am having an email exchange with a sub who describes her relationship with her Dom boyfriend - dominant male, submissive female - as part of the "Natural Order". I argued that this was perhaps just one kind of order - all of which might be regarded as natural. Whilst agreeing on one level she suggested that these others were more sociological and psychological.

I still feel that the order she (and I in this context) subscribe to is another "social" or "psychological" order - and that to call it "natural" somehow implies that it has more validity than others. Such an implication would I imagine be hotly contested by others - for instance a Domme female/male submissive couple.

Do readers have any views on this?

I forget so quickly

I am always in a rush. It is the excitement I think. I thought I had learned this through previous experiences.

But no - I have to learn it yet again!

It is better to get there slowly together than to rush along and find you have left your partner far behind.

doing

"I hear and I forget.
I see and I remember.
I do and I understand."

I quoted this Chinese proverb to a sub recently in terms of how she could best work at understanding her own nature. Then I realised that it applied equally to myself.

being marked

Many subs like to be marked. It is a sign of ownership. It can give them pride in their submission.

This can be symbolic - an item of jewellery, a collar, even a felt tipped pen on the skin.

Some though crave the mark of an implement. A cane, a crop, a whip. A weal or bruise on the skin marking them as his.

I had marked her several times with the crop. Red lines on the skin. A darker mark at the end of one line where blood had come to the surface soon to turn to a bruise.

It sounds bad described coldly like this - but it was part of a sensuous act that we both enjoyed. She had asked me to hit her harder. She wanted to be marked. It was part of her desire.

We discussed it afterwards - what she enjoyed about such activity. She decided it was the being marked rather than the pain of marking. The fact that she had been marked gave each of us pleasure over the next few days as she reported the state of the marks in messages to me. It reminded us both of the pleasure we had together - and my temporary ownership of her.

But ...

part of me looks at the similarities between a sub wanting to be marked and vulnerable people who self-harm. It strikes me particularly with subs who are into knife play and needles. I am not passing any judgement here - I am genuinely interested in exploring if there are common factors. If there are such common factors does D/s provide a framework that can make meeting this need safer and more supportive or can D/s feed a negative self image?

Being strong ...

It is a strength to ask for help.

Depression

There are a number of subs who I have got to know very well who suffer at times from severe depression. There are other subs I know who also suffer from depression.

I hasten to add that they all suffered from depression even before they got to know me!

I know that this is a very small sample and that a high percentage of the population experience mental distress at some time in their lives.

However I just wondered if there was a real connection here. I also wondered if it might be associated with low self-esteem.

If so are there ethical issues for Doms who could be taking advantage of women in a vulnerable mental state?

The sound of one hand clapping

Dragonfly has been a close friend of mine online for some time now. I think we know each other well. We were exchanging thoughts about Masters and slaves recently. She wrote the following to me which I quote with her permission:

"And about D/s.... the ultimate Master is one who can let go of ego completely, thus in a sense becoming a slave.. and the ultimate slave is one who can let go of ego completely, thus in a sense becoming the Master... It is the sound of one hand clapping.. get it? There is no distinction between Master and slave.. they are one ego less entity.. they are one hand.. clapping... To force yourself into one or the other is the fallacy. I think that is what you struggle with as well.. You can be nurturing and subservient and dominate all at the same time. "

control

Dragonfly wrote here about control.

Reading that and re-reading a story I wrote a little while ago made me think a little about control. It made me reflect that for a Dom to be able to control a sub he must first be able to control himself.

The power of pleasure and pain ...

I struck her quite gently at first with each of the four implements. She said the crop hurt the most. To continue she requested the crop. She asked for it harder. At last she gasped, flinched, her leg moving briefly from position. That happened just once more. A sub who had been trained to take a beating in silence, immobile - a test of her obedience.

Later as she was restrained open-legged before me I pleasured her with my fingers, my tongue, her vibrator. Many Doms would not have considered using their tongues on a sub. She moaned and writhed and eventually came with a cry that could equally have been agony rather than ecstasy.

So which had more power over her body and its reactions? The crop or my fingers and tongue?

I felt a great sense of power - and always do with a woman, in having that control over her pleasure, making her writhe and call out, that can be done better through giving pleasure than through giving pain.

the girl with glasses who carries her own books

In earlier posts about the geek and the girl - one of my correspondents suggested that the geek might be much better of with the brainy girl in glasses. She followed up that email with another containing this beautiful piece of writing. Reproduced here with her permission:

I am a great campaigner for the girl with the glasses who carried her own books.

She was a favourite of the boys not because of her looks but because she talked about music and guitars and sport. She felt comfortable in their company and intimidated them a little with her mind. While the other girls crammed their school bags with make up and trashy magazines, she had copies of the NME hiding the Marquis de Sade’s ‘Justine’ in her school locker ...

While the other girls wore their Duran Duran t shirts, she spent her time trying to look like Bettie Page.

She shared a science bench with a boy she hardly knew. During long, dull chemistry classes they talked music and his penchant for all things dark. He was wildly intelligent and intelligently quiet. They spent many hours loafing around in each others bedrooms listening to music and reading books in complete innocence. She read Justine and he, Venus in Furs … in the interest of fairness! They went to gigs in dark rooms in every corner of the city. It was after one such evening, in a cab, when he told her to slide her skirt up … he wanted to see where her stockings met her thighs. After only a little hesitation she did as she was told …

She was 18, a virgin and in possession of a sexuality that frightened her.

To this day, she still carries her own books …

Thank you T.

A growing confidence

I met with a submissive woman last week for a few hours of salacious fun. She was much more experienced than me. I was worried that when it came to it that the "kind Dom" approach would just not cut it compared with the much more experienced Doms I knew she had met very recently for similar appointments.

We played online a little for a few days first. I think that helped as we were real people when we met and had begun to build a relationship.

Before we started I took her into my arms and gave her a long hug. I explained that she was safe and would come to no harm. I knew if she felt secure, if she could trust me, then we would both have more fun.

Then I became "Sir" and we started ...

It was fun. Great fun. For both of us.

She wrote of it later in her journal and started with this ...

A beautifully sensual day, with a very different style of Domination and care. a Dom who very much valued her submission to Him, albeit for just a short while.

Both have memories stored away, of pleasure, of happiness.

she is still smiling here... and thinks He will be too :)

She then described some of the detail of what happened and finished like this ...

and thanks, from both Dom & sub, for the other, for the Domination & submission. Without either one, there is none.

Thankyou Sir, very much, for Your time, Your thoughtfulness, Your usage of cunt. she very much enjoyed her usage by her "sensual Dom"

So perhaps I have decided that rather than my style being just a "kind Dom" - it is actually a sensual approach and I am the "sensual Dom".

I think that will give me confidence again both online and in real time encounters.

The geeky "kind Dom" again

Thank you again for all of you who commented on the original post. It was heartening to hear that the geeky guy was so highly regarded - and that perhaps the beautiful girl wasn't the best one for him anyway.

I had a couple of emails about this too that turned it on its head a bit. One correspondent wrote "the boys always look right past the brainy chick in the glasses to the buxom blond in the bikini...".

Another suggested that the geek should look round at the other girls and notice they carried their own books, were self assured with a quiet confidence. The kind who would be charmed by the quiet geek when they got to know each other.

She wrote me a separate beautiful piece of writing about being the brainy chick in glasses - and how much she has to offer. I would like to publish it if I can get her permission.

Sadism or Selfishness?

A very good sub friend of mine has been using a contact site in the hope of finding a loving partner who can meet her submissive needs.

She has talked to me of a number of men on there who she got to know. At different times several of them started Domming her online. They seemed special. They seemed to want to commit to her. She threw herself in enthusiastically each time. Each of the relationships grew quite intense.

But when it came to the crunch they were all players. None really wanted to commit to her and were happy to drop her - but then to pop up out of nowhere when they got bored again. The emotional toll on her was just so destructive.

Were these "Doms" into emotional sadism or were they merely selfish with no thought or care for the hurt and harm they were causing?

The last one has left her feeling cold rather than angry. She has decided that is it. She cannot do that any more.

They have lost a beautiful, submissive and sensual woman. She could have given each of them so much. It is their loss not hers.

The geeky "kind Dom"

Thank you to all who commented on my previous post so supportively. I have had a few emails too.

The post was not inspired by any current circumstance. It was more about whether women really do go for the sensible choice but are ultimately seduced by the more dangerous man. I guess this is even more so in D/s and the notion of a "Kind Dom" might seem to be a contradiction in terms.

However as well as the comments and emails I also had a personal experience yesterday that made me realise there is a real demand for a "Kind Dom".

I will write some more inspired by the comments and emails very soon - and about the recent experience too.

The trouble with being a "kind Dom"

Sometimes I feel like I'm in the films - you know the scenario - there's a geeky guy, best friends with the beautiful girl - he carries her books for her and they love each other dearly - then the bad guy turns up on his motorbike dressed in black leather and with a snarl on his lip.

You all know what happens next. She jumps on the back of the bike with barely a backward glance, her skirt up around her thighs and her arms wrapped tightly around the strong body of the biker as he drives of to a deserted car park round the back of the diner where she gives him a blow job. Okay - they never show the last bit!

Meanwhile the geek stands forlorn, looking at his girl disappearing into the distance, wondering what to do with her stupid books.

Well sometimes the kind Dom feels like the geek.