training and conditioning

I just want to come back to the arguments I was struggling to make in my earlier post about conditioning. I'm not sure I have managed to express myself well - or can do so any better now.

I think I was wondering whether "training", which is a concept often taken on board in D/s relationship, whilst often appropriate within such a relationship could become a problem if that relationship were to end. I discussed it earlier in relation to conditioning that might be difficult to undo at the end of a relationship. But is that just a risk one has to take within a committed D/s relationship? Is it any different from someone having the name of a loved partner tattooed onto their arm?

I think for me it was the psychological and emotional nature of the conditioning that seemed a problem - but why should this be the case more than a physical modification?

Perhaps in the end if there is a commitment then there may be risks that one has to accept. But I think too that in "training" or "conditioning" - as with instructions for permanent physical change - that a Dom should recognise implication of what he is doing. Permanent modification of any sort is not to be taken lightly - whether it is physical, emotional or psychological.

emotional sadism

A recent writer to Uncle Agony got me thinking about emotional sadism.

I recognise there is some inherrent sadism in me - that I can get enjoyment from inflicting pain in certain rcumstances. But those circumstances are a scenario within which the person receiving the pain is also gaining some fulfillment from the activity.

I am not sure though that a person receiving emotional sadism can get fulfillment in the same way - or if so whether it is healthy.

There are I am sure emotional masochists - but is that a healthy place be? Should a kind Dom feed emotional maochism?

conditioning

I have just published a new post on the Uncle Agony blog here.

It is an email from a woman who has been conditioned by her Dom so that she can only have an orgasm when given permission. She has now left her Dom and finds that she cannot break that conditioning. She finds herself unable to orgasm and is finding that very stressful.

Having to ask permission before coming to orgasm is something that many Doms require of their subs. That control of a sub's sexuality is something that many Doms and subs find erotic and satisfying. It can be seen as part of a sub's "training".

The emails from my sub friend have made me wonder about the ethics of this if it goes so far as to become conditioning. A sub may be parted permanently from her Master not just through a breakdown in the relationship but also for instance through a tragic bereavement. Would a Dom really want his sub to be left unhappy, frustrated and unsatisfied in such a way?

There may well be other aspects of training becoming conditioning that could prove equally problematic.

Uncle Agony

I have started the new blog. You can find it here.

The purpose of the blog is to air some of the requests for advice that I have received publicly - but anonymously. Readers are invited to contribute their advice through the comments. Please ensure that comments are intended kindly and supportively. I know regular readers of this blog will comment helpfully.

If anybody has a question or problem that they would like airing there - then please email me.

I would be grateful for links from blogs and any other publicity that you can give. I will of course try to provide reciprocal links.

why it went so well

Forgive me for returning to my time with lili - it is hard to dismiss it from my mind. It went so very well and I want to share with you my reflections on some of the factors that helped it go so well.

First of all we trusted each other very much. lili knew she was safe with me and I trusted her to be open and honest with me. It helped make much of what we did possible. lili knew that I would not harm her. It enabled her to let herself go in ways that might otherwise have been impossible.

We were also completely open and honest with each other. We were open about our desires. There was no fear or shame in this for either of us. So we were able to try to fulfil each other's fantasies.

We wanted it to be good for each other so we listened to each other. We watched out for possible signs of distress or potential problems to head them off before they caused difficulties. This helped to further develop our trust.

We tried to start slowly and build up gently ... but we seemed to move at quite a pace and did more than I had expected. However there is still lots more that we want to try - and know now that we can make work, building on our successful time together.

Some may see some of this as topping from the bottom - but to me it was two people with genuine care and affection for each other trying to bring each other's fantasies true. To that end we were very successful.

I hope this is helpful to others.

I am going to be away over the Easter weekend but will write of the new blog on my return.

home again

Thank you for the supportive comments below while I have been away. I am persuaded by the positive response to the idea of the new blog and will start it soon.

Thank you also for the kind comments wishing me well in my rendezvous. I am sure they helped!

She and I have been online friends for a long time now with only a short break after our brief online D/s relationship had to end. Since then our friendship has grown. We met for only a very short time a few weeks ago. That went well. We were eager to meet again and have some quality time together where we could for just a short time explore the possibilities of what submission and domination might be like for us together in the real world.

We have grown to trust each other and respect each other. It felt as if so much might be possible.

But real life is different from online. Just being with someone 24/7 for a few days who one only really knows from emails and blogs is fraught with problems. Even people very close to each other can irritate each other and fall out when on top of each other. She and I are also used to having a lot of space to ourselves. So this was fraught with danger from the start.

So how did we cope?

Well I drove across the country to meet a beautiful woman. She is beautiful. I am in awe of her beauty.

She became again My beautiful woman.

Very soon she became my beautiful slut.

Faster than I would have believed possible she also became my beautiful pain slut.

Mine.

That beautiful woman. I became aware too of the variety of her beauty - how it changed and developed in different contexts.

We lost track of time. I often had no idea of what the time was or even what day it was. We forgot to eat. We forgot to sleep. We had other things to do that seemed so much more important. We were just wrapped up in each other - in each others needs and desires.

We had fun. We had great fun.

I will not go into salacious detail here ... but perhaps lili or Beau may do soon in their blogs. I have not decided yet.

It was a very special time. We both felt it. We both learned and grew from our time together.

It worked because we cared for each other, we trusted each other and we respected each other.

Whatever happens in the future I will remember our far too short time together with great fondness for as long as my memory remains intact.

I hope though now she is a beautiful woman again ... that at some time she may if even briefly become my beautiful woman again.

Thank you lili.

Thank you so very, very much.

while I am away ...

I am going away ~ soon ~ for a few days salacious fun with a deeply sensual and desirable submissive woman.

I am sure my energies and thoughts will be directed at her and that could leave me with little time to write here.

So in the meantime I wonder if you can help me dear readers? I am thinking of starting yet another blog - not to replace the Pygar blog but in addition to it. I am unsure if this is a good idea as I have more than enough blogs already. Also I may have a little less uninterrupted time at the computer soon. However if there is enough interest in it and I can organise it without too much trouble then I may give it a go.

Since writing Pygar I have received a number of letters from subs asking me for advice about personal and relationship problems. I have no particular expertise in this area but I have always tried to respond honestly and kindly usually stressing the importance of communications. It has often struck me though that there are others who read my blog and comment who have more experience and wisdom than me. I wondered what advice they might have given.

So my idea is that subs or Doms with a D/s relationship issues or personal problems could write to Pygar - or I may set up a separate email address. Pygar would then publish the letter anonymously on the new blog, possibly comment himself and invite comments from readers. I would moderate the comments to ensure nothing deliberately hurtful or abusive was written.

In the UK magazines often have problem pages where people share personal problems and an "agony aunt" gives advice. So I have come up with the title - "Uncle Agony" - which fits with the D/s theme! I have even designed a template to get it started quickly if I decide to go ahead.

However there is only any point if people write in with their problems and if others are kind enough to offer honest advice. So what do you think dear readers? Is it worth a try?

I would be very grateful for your advice or other thoughts on the idea.

on being a slut

I called her "my slut" often. She revelled in it. She delighted in having rediscovered her sensuality and a powerful sexual desire. It had not always been like this. At the start she made it clear she did not want to be called a "slut" or a "whore". She was neither of these things. She could not understand how being addressed in this way would support her journey into submission.

But her submission made her wet. It filled her with desire. She cried out for release. She wanted release over and over. She started to call herself a slut. My slut. She became proud to be my slut.

She and I knew that this word is used as a term of abuse often by men but also often by other women towards a woman because of her active sexuality. If a man has several partners then other men are jealous. It is seen as a sign of virility. It can be regarded as a positive characteristic. Women are often drawn to such men rather than being repelled by their behaviour. Their sexual virility is in itself alluring. However if a woman has several partners, flaunts her sexuality or dresses in a sexually provocative manner this is often seen negatively by society and condemned. The word "slut" is then often used as a term of abuse against such women. In "real life", outside of the special D/s world we shared, I would never call anyone a slut. It is a horrible word in that context and not one that it would occur to me ever to use. However it is all a matter of context and understanding.

So when I called her my slut that was in the context of our relationship. Out in the day to day world of her profession and her friends she was a slightly cool and reserved woman. Nobody would have called her a slut.

In real life she would never have been called a slut but I noticed her beginning to loosen a little and enjoying expressing a little more slight intimacy and contact and becoming pleased by the results. But in our relationship we were inhabiting a special private place where we could be things that society might not like and that we might not dream of being out in that real world.

In our special place I wanted her to be a wanton woman who could be as sexually open and active as she desired with no expectations of society to hold her back. I wanted her to want sex with her Master, to crave it, to crave his sexual pleasure too. I wanted her to be totally uninhibited about it. So if I called her a slut we had turned the value judgement part of the meaning of the word around. It was no longer a term of abuse because in the relationship we had created to be wanton and sexually active was a positive trait not a negative one. So being a slut became an expression of praise rather than admonishment. I wanted her to be my slut. That was part of her purpose in the world we had created. If it gave her an additional frisson because it was something "forbidden" that she was doing, that she had found a safe place to be "bad", then all to the good. Sometimes using the word "slut" can heighten that sense.

So she was my slut. I had perhaps helped to create that slut. We both had fun with her being my slut.

But just recently another friend called herself a slut - though I thought with some reservation - as if she was worried she should feel some shame about a recent sexual adventure. I hope she can reclaim the word "slut" as a positive characteristic - as a woman who is confident about her sexuality and is prepared to have fun in the ways that she wants as long as she hurts nobody else.

beautiful women

Thank you to all who responded with such kind comments to the previous post.

I wonder if the subs who commented, with the permission of course of their Masters, might carry out this task for me. (Sorry to leave you out Tristan - perhaps you might like to instruct pet do do it!) Any other subs who feel like giving it a try are welcome to join in!

Look into the mirror and say all together . . .

one . . .

two . . .

three . . .

"I am a beautiful woman."

Well done. Thank you.

Good girls.

a beautiful woman

I had undressed her. She was standing naked before me. She looked embarrassed and had her head down. I made her lift her head proudly.

"You are a beautiful woman. What are you?"

"I am a beautiful woman Sir," she replied nervously, unconvinced.

Soon she was looking down again so this was repeated.

Later we were snuggled in bed together naked and happy.

I looked into her bright and sparkling eyes.

"What are you?"

"I am your beautiful woman."

The smile on her face as she spoke was the most beautiful you can imagine. I can see it still.

kneeling

For lili ...

I placed a cushion by my feet and asked her to kneel for me.

She had knelt for me many times before. However I had never been there when she had done so. My instructions to her had been through emails.

Now she was kneeling in front of me for the very first time.

At my instruction she had fetched something that she used to wear as a symbol of her submission to me. I attached it to her. She was mine again.

I took her hand. I held it firmly in one hand and stroked it gently with the other.

I felt happy and at peace with her there before me. I felt a sense of power and a gentle warm glow.

I had imagined this scene for so long. It was different from in my imagination - but so wonderful for its reality.

I desired her so much.

I talked of complications and issues for us both. She understood all that as well as I.

I stroked her hand.

I wanted her.

I hoped she wanted me too.

At last.

Kneeling.

Before me.

Such a precious gift.

Thank you.
- P xx

trust

I have written about trust often before - as have others in their comments. About how important it is in any relationship - but most especially in a D/s relationship.

It is so hard to build. It takes honesty and openness from both sides. Once built it is very precious. However it is also very fragile.

It just slipped from my fingers for a moment when I wasn't holding it carefully enough. It is so easy to damage. I hope it is just cracked and can be mended with care and effort. I promise to try hard to do so. I will be desolate if it is broken.

begging

A previous sub of mine once wrote on her blog that begging was a hard limit. She was a wonderfully obedient sub - whilst in other contexts she can be a very assertive woman. Letting go of that assertiveness enough to be able to beg though was something she could not and had no desire to be able to do.

Recently I have had an email exchange with another sub friend about begging and pleading. She feels it is an attempt to get someone to do something against their inclination - perhaps topping from the bottom. But it is clearly ingrained in her nature too as something she would find very hard to do.

I wonder though if begging could be at the heart of total and complete submission. When one has given up all power then begging is all one has left.

Also begging is seen as a humiliating and demeaning activity. Maybe that is why some subs like it but others hate it.

needs and desires

In conversations with sub friends, the experience of having had their submissive needs awakened has been mentioned several times. I have often wondered in what sense these are needs - or whether they are just strong desires. However I am not a sub so cannot speak from first-hand experience.

In comments to my previous post released there was agreement from a few commenters that to put submission "back in the box" once it had been awakened might be impossible. I was interested in this in relation to the points I have just made so I suggested that a sub blogger might like to follow it up.

Well - little did I realise what that would stimulate. Selkie has followed it up with a thorough, thoughtful, well argued and thought provoking series of posts. There are four in total. The final one is here and has links to the previous three. Do pop over and have a read. I am interested in others responses from their own personal perspectives.

Thank you Selkie.

have I learned anything?

swan asked in a comment below if I had learned anything from the failure of the relationship that I described here. She wondered if I would do things differently if the circumstances arose.

I do want to learn from this. It is important to always continue to learn. I am sure I will do and I have been reflecting upon it. I wrote last year about a previous parting. I reflected a lot on that and wrote about some of it in this blog - last May I think if you want to look back. I did learn from that a lot. It also made me a little more cautious about my emotions and protecting them. But that is hard in such relationships.

If one does not give an emotional commitment then it cannot work. So there is bound to be sadness. I am pleased that my friend asked for release now rather than in some months time - when our emotional commitment would have grown so strong. Then I know I would have been badly hurt - and may have badly hurt another. If it was not going to work then I am grateful to her for having the common sense and strength to stop it before we both became damaged by it.

The thing I have reflected upon is the intensity of the relationship - and the extent that might have been created by my approach or whether it is just inherent in the D/s dynamic. I know that previous online relationships I have been involved in have also become very intense very quickly. That is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be very seductive and give extreme pleasure. In a sense it is what it is all about. But if it catches one unawares then problems can arise. I was aware that such intensity could arise quickly and warned my sub of this at the start. That is not to say that I shouldn't have perhaps realised she was getting caught up in it more quickly than she had believed possible at the start. But we are all adults - and when she did realise she sensibly put a stop to it. However if she hadn't then perhaps she could have been damaged by the experience, rather than enhanced by it in the way I had hoped.

So I have had reinforced the dangers of how such relationships can become so very life affecting - and my own responsibilities in ensuring a sub who has given herself to me to care for is not hurt by the experience. I need to reflect on my responsibilities to ensure I do not harm someone who has put her trust in me.