while I am away ...

I am going away ~ soon ~ for a few days salacious fun with a deeply sensual and desirable submissive woman.

I am sure my energies and thoughts will be directed at her and that could leave me with little time to write here.

So in the meantime I wonder if you can help me dear readers? I am thinking of starting yet another blog - not to replace the Pygar blog but in addition to it. I am unsure if this is a good idea as I have more than enough blogs already. Also I may have a little less uninterrupted time at the computer soon. However if there is enough interest in it and I can organise it without too much trouble then I may give it a go.

Since writing Pygar I have received a number of letters from subs asking me for advice about personal and relationship problems. I have no particular expertise in this area but I have always tried to respond honestly and kindly usually stressing the importance of communications. It has often struck me though that there are others who read my blog and comment who have more experience and wisdom than me. I wondered what advice they might have given.

So my idea is that subs or Doms with a D/s relationship issues or personal problems could write to Pygar - or I may set up a separate email address. Pygar would then publish the letter anonymously on the new blog, possibly comment himself and invite comments from readers. I would moderate the comments to ensure nothing deliberately hurtful or abusive was written.

In the UK magazines often have problem pages where people share personal problems and an "agony aunt" gives advice. So I have come up with the title - "Uncle Agony" - which fits with the D/s theme! I have even designed a template to get it started quickly if I decide to go ahead.

However there is only any point if people write in with their problems and if others are kind enough to offer honest advice. So what do you think dear readers? Is it worth a try?

I would be very grateful for your advice or other thoughts on the idea.

on being a slut

I called her "my slut" often. She revelled in it. She delighted in having rediscovered her sensuality and a powerful sexual desire. It had not always been like this. At the start she made it clear she did not want to be called a "slut" or a "whore". She was neither of these things. She could not understand how being addressed in this way would support her journey into submission.

But her submission made her wet. It filled her with desire. She cried out for release. She wanted release over and over. She started to call herself a slut. My slut. She became proud to be my slut.

She and I knew that this word is used as a term of abuse often by men but also often by other women towards a woman because of her active sexuality. If a man has several partners then other men are jealous. It is seen as a sign of virility. It can be regarded as a positive characteristic. Women are often drawn to such men rather than being repelled by their behaviour. Their sexual virility is in itself alluring. However if a woman has several partners, flaunts her sexuality or dresses in a sexually provocative manner this is often seen negatively by society and condemned. The word "slut" is then often used as a term of abuse against such women. In "real life", outside of the special D/s world we shared, I would never call anyone a slut. It is a horrible word in that context and not one that it would occur to me ever to use. However it is all a matter of context and understanding.

So when I called her my slut that was in the context of our relationship. Out in the day to day world of her profession and her friends she was a slightly cool and reserved woman. Nobody would have called her a slut.

In real life she would never have been called a slut but I noticed her beginning to loosen a little and enjoying expressing a little more slight intimacy and contact and becoming pleased by the results. But in our relationship we were inhabiting a special private place where we could be things that society might not like and that we might not dream of being out in that real world.

In our special place I wanted her to be a wanton woman who could be as sexually open and active as she desired with no expectations of society to hold her back. I wanted her to want sex with her Master, to crave it, to crave his sexual pleasure too. I wanted her to be totally uninhibited about it. So if I called her a slut we had turned the value judgement part of the meaning of the word around. It was no longer a term of abuse because in the relationship we had created to be wanton and sexually active was a positive trait not a negative one. So being a slut became an expression of praise rather than admonishment. I wanted her to be my slut. That was part of her purpose in the world we had created. If it gave her an additional frisson because it was something "forbidden" that she was doing, that she had found a safe place to be "bad", then all to the good. Sometimes using the word "slut" can heighten that sense.

So she was my slut. I had perhaps helped to create that slut. We both had fun with her being my slut.

But just recently another friend called herself a slut - though I thought with some reservation - as if she was worried she should feel some shame about a recent sexual adventure. I hope she can reclaim the word "slut" as a positive characteristic - as a woman who is confident about her sexuality and is prepared to have fun in the ways that she wants as long as she hurts nobody else.

beautiful women

Thank you to all who responded with such kind comments to the previous post.

I wonder if the subs who commented, with the permission of course of their Masters, might carry out this task for me. (Sorry to leave you out Tristan - perhaps you might like to instruct pet do do it!) Any other subs who feel like giving it a try are welcome to join in!

Look into the mirror and say all together . . .

one . . .

two . . .

three . . .

"I am a beautiful woman."

Well done. Thank you.

Good girls.

a beautiful woman

I had undressed her. She was standing naked before me. She looked embarrassed and had her head down. I made her lift her head proudly.

"You are a beautiful woman. What are you?"

"I am a beautiful woman Sir," she replied nervously, unconvinced.

Soon she was looking down again so this was repeated.

Later we were snuggled in bed together naked and happy.

I looked into her bright and sparkling eyes.

"What are you?"

"I am your beautiful woman."

The smile on her face as she spoke was the most beautiful you can imagine. I can see it still.

kneeling

For lili ...

I placed a cushion by my feet and asked her to kneel for me.

She had knelt for me many times before. However I had never been there when she had done so. My instructions to her had been through emails.

Now she was kneeling in front of me for the very first time.

At my instruction she had fetched something that she used to wear as a symbol of her submission to me. I attached it to her. She was mine again.

I took her hand. I held it firmly in one hand and stroked it gently with the other.

I felt happy and at peace with her there before me. I felt a sense of power and a gentle warm glow.

I had imagined this scene for so long. It was different from in my imagination - but so wonderful for its reality.

I desired her so much.

I talked of complications and issues for us both. She understood all that as well as I.

I stroked her hand.

I wanted her.

I hoped she wanted me too.

At last.

Kneeling.

Before me.

Such a precious gift.

Thank you.
- P xx

trust

I have written about trust often before - as have others in their comments. About how important it is in any relationship - but most especially in a D/s relationship.

It is so hard to build. It takes honesty and openness from both sides. Once built it is very precious. However it is also very fragile.

It just slipped from my fingers for a moment when I wasn't holding it carefully enough. It is so easy to damage. I hope it is just cracked and can be mended with care and effort. I promise to try hard to do so. I will be desolate if it is broken.

begging

A previous sub of mine once wrote on her blog that begging was a hard limit. She was a wonderfully obedient sub - whilst in other contexts she can be a very assertive woman. Letting go of that assertiveness enough to be able to beg though was something she could not and had no desire to be able to do.

Recently I have had an email exchange with another sub friend about begging and pleading. She feels it is an attempt to get someone to do something against their inclination - perhaps topping from the bottom. But it is clearly ingrained in her nature too as something she would find very hard to do.

I wonder though if begging could be at the heart of total and complete submission. When one has given up all power then begging is all one has left.

Also begging is seen as a humiliating and demeaning activity. Maybe that is why some subs like it but others hate it.

needs and desires

In conversations with sub friends, the experience of having had their submissive needs awakened has been mentioned several times. I have often wondered in what sense these are needs - or whether they are just strong desires. However I am not a sub so cannot speak from first-hand experience.

In comments to my previous post released there was agreement from a few commenters that to put submission "back in the box" once it had been awakened might be impossible. I was interested in this in relation to the points I have just made so I suggested that a sub blogger might like to follow it up.

Well - little did I realise what that would stimulate. Selkie has followed it up with a thorough, thoughtful, well argued and thought provoking series of posts. There are four in total. The final one is here and has links to the previous three. Do pop over and have a read. I am interested in others responses from their own personal perspectives.

Thank you Selkie.

have I learned anything?

swan asked in a comment below if I had learned anything from the failure of the relationship that I described here. She wondered if I would do things differently if the circumstances arose.

I do want to learn from this. It is important to always continue to learn. I am sure I will do and I have been reflecting upon it. I wrote last year about a previous parting. I reflected a lot on that and wrote about some of it in this blog - last May I think if you want to look back. I did learn from that a lot. It also made me a little more cautious about my emotions and protecting them. But that is hard in such relationships.

If one does not give an emotional commitment then it cannot work. So there is bound to be sadness. I am pleased that my friend asked for release now rather than in some months time - when our emotional commitment would have grown so strong. Then I know I would have been badly hurt - and may have badly hurt another. If it was not going to work then I am grateful to her for having the common sense and strength to stop it before we both became damaged by it.

The thing I have reflected upon is the intensity of the relationship - and the extent that might have been created by my approach or whether it is just inherent in the D/s dynamic. I know that previous online relationships I have been involved in have also become very intense very quickly. That is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be very seductive and give extreme pleasure. In a sense it is what it is all about. But if it catches one unawares then problems can arise. I was aware that such intensity could arise quickly and warned my sub of this at the start. That is not to say that I shouldn't have perhaps realised she was getting caught up in it more quickly than she had believed possible at the start. But we are all adults - and when she did realise she sensibly put a stop to it. However if she hadn't then perhaps she could have been damaged by the experience, rather than enhanced by it in the way I had hoped.

So I have had reinforced the dangers of how such relationships can become so very life affecting - and my own responsibilities in ensuring a sub who has given herself to me to care for is not hurt by the experience. I need to reflect on my responsibilities to ensure I do not harm someone who has put her trust in me.

released

It came out of the blue.

She asked to be released.

It was an online relationship. We had hardly known each other long. In truth we were still getting to know each other - though a bond and affection had grown quickly. I had warned her at the start that such relationships can become very intense. She had thrown herself into it with gusto - becoming far more submissive and sensuous than she had imagined posible at the start. Perhaps that was the problem.

She'd had a weeks holiday and time to reflect - even though she was keeping up to her reduced daily tasks. She realised that embracing her submission had consequences for her daily life. Her work was suffering. She was neglecting her friends. The sexual energy she chose to expend on me left little for her husband. The growing deceit was hard to maintain. The time she set aside for creative thought was now taken up with erotic reverie. Household tasks were being left undone. She had been taken over so completely by her submission.

So before she fell back into that safe space of submission - she reasserted herself and asked for release.

I think she did right.

I had written for her some overriding instructions. In summary these said that she should look after herself physically, emotionally and psychologically. She should do nothing to harm herself in these ways or to damage her relationships with family or friends or her standing in the community or at work.

But her very submission to me was in conflict with these overriding instructions.

So in a way - asking for release was carrying out my instructions. There was a contradiction that in continuing to submit to me the consequence would be to break those instructions I had carefully put in place. I wanted her to grow through submission to me rather than be diminished. But for her it was having the opposite effect. So she did right and I am pleased she did so before real damage had been caused.

That does not stop a sadness we might both share for the loss of what might have been.

I hope though that we have both learned from this.

I wish her well and every happiness.

being teased

I think all my subs seem to have teased me - and that continues to this day!

I rather enjoy it. I think some Doms can take themselves far too seriously. I feel it shows self confidence in my position as Dom - but others may feel that being teased by their sub undermines the nature of their relationship.

Perhaps some would say I am not taking it seriously enough.

Valentine Greetings

I would like to wish a happy Valentine's Day to all my readers.

I hope you get to celebrate it in wickedly salacious and erotic ways ...

;)

topping from the bottom

This phrase is often used to describe a situation where a sub uses her wiles to get her own way, perhaps sometimes in a manipulative manner. It tends to be regarded as very bad form - and implies a weakness in the Dom.

I am wanting to suggest that it may sometimes be no bad thing - and if communications are good should never be necessary.

I once talked with a sub who felt that tears could be used in a manipulative way to reduce a punishment and was critical of it as "topping from the bottom". However she was happy to talk of how she would leave a longer time in counting the strokes in a caning to indicate the effect of each stroke to her Dom. Was that communicating or was she too topping from the bottom?

Yes the dynamic is of course all about the sub being controlled, of the Master's wishes being all important. But surely in a good, trusting and respectful D/s relationship the Dom has a duty and responsibility to try to meet the needs and desires of his sub. Surely that is part of the agreement. His sub has given herself to him - but in the expectation that doing so will also meet her needs. Is finding a way of communicating her needs to be dismissed as topping from the bottom?

If she is reduced to trying to manipulate a scene - or even fundamentals of the relationship ... then couldn't that imply that quality communication has broken down?

pain

Lady Alpha wrote in a comment to an earlier post that,
"... pain is generally perceived by the population to mean something that should be avoided. Even coupling the word 'exquisite' with 'pain' doesn't seem to get the message across: pain is extreme sensation, and is not necessarily bad or best avoided."

I do not like feeling pain. I am quite a wimp really! So I am full of admiration for subs who undergo pain as part of a scene. I would not normally deliberately cause anyone pain. But within a D/s dynamic, within a BDSM encounter pain can be an essential and fulfilling part. I have had a sub request more pain from me - more strokes - harder. She needed that within the context of the encounter to fulfil her desires and needs.

It can be interesting to investigate sensations - to try to find the point where a pleasurable sensation turns to discomfort and where discomfort turns to pain. It can be fascinating to investigate where pain can be pleasurable and where pleasure can be painful.

The endorphins created by pain can give great pleasure - it is similar to athletes pushing themselves in a painful way and getting an endorphin rush that helps them to extreme performance. Many subs like to push themselves in the same way, helped by the same endorphin rush.

Within a D/s relationship pain can also be part of the establishment of a relationship of control - the administering and receipt of, say, a spanking establishes the whole nature of the relationship.

For some spanking or being spanked can be the totality of the BDSM and D/s aspect of the relationship. They just like spanking!

I have only touched the surface here I am sure - and there may be many subs who enjoy spanking or more extreme pain in a D/s relationship who may be able to explain much better.

It is also the responsibility of a Dom to ensure that the context of the administration of pain is such as to enable the sub to gain satisfaction, fulfilment - and yes even pleasure - from the scene.

As Lady Alpha says, pain is extreme sensation. Perhaps rather than just not necessarily being avoided - there may be circumstances where it is to be embraced.

the eroticism of power

I wrote last of the erotic power of submission. Of how submission to me was powerful. How it could arouse me in a very strong physical sense. Some subs wrote that the act of submission had the same effect on them - that there was an eroticism in the relationship.

There is a flip side to this though that does not feel to me so positive.

I am not aroused by my own power - or I think not - I am aroused by the woman's submission to me. But is this not the same? That would worry me though.

Power too has a strong erotic force. Many women are attracted by power. Would Monica Lewinsky have been drawn to service Bill if he had just been a bloke she met in a bar? There are numerous examples in British politics of senior politicians of a certain age and without obvious physical attractions having affairs with beautiful younger women. Presumably these women are attracted by the power of the men. It arouses them in the same way that submission arouses me.

This may be the case also with the legion of examples of older businessmen having young, beautiful, "trophy" wives. There is sometimes an assumption that they have been attracted by their husbands money. But could it be their power that attracts them?

This is often abused by men in powerful positions. They know the effect of their power and influence. They could perhaps be helpful in ensuring promotion if only ...

So women may provide favours and may even occasionally receive preferment as a result. So unscrupulous men abuse their power because some women make use of it.

I have been in senior positions with power over the preferment of female staff. I have never misused that position in this way and have never been tempted to. However I know of one example of a senior colleague who had a reputation for appointing pretty women and having affairs with them. This was despised by male and female colleagues but he seemed to get away with this abuse of power.

There is also the point that in analysis of rapes that the perpetrators do not do it for sex - but to exert their power over a woman.

So whilst power may be an attractive quality in a Dom, one that is desirable to his sub ... there are aspects of use of this power with which, even as a Dom, I find very uncomfortable.